Bless This: Family

Well...it's about that time of year again.  The time where I sometimes shut down.  I'm sometimes short with people and crabby.  I might just like to be alone.  Or cry by myself.   It's anniversary time. June 17.  Father's Day. June 30, 2010.  Patrick has his heart attack and first surgery at Froedtert. July 7, 2010.  Patrick has issues and they bring him in for a 2nd open heart surgery. July 11.  I close on the house. Our house.  It will be gone. July 15, 2010.  Patrick is placed on the transplant list. July 16, 2010.  Patrick is moved from Froedtert to St. Lukes. July 19, 2010.  Patrick has a stroke. July 22, 2010. 12:40am.  Patrick passed away during his 3rd open heart surgery.  This year is also the 5 year anniversary of Patrick's marriage proposal. July 25, 2010.  Wake July 26, 2010.  Funeral August 12.  Patrick would have turned 37.  Only made it to 34. ...

It's been a while since my last post...so this may be a long one. New Tattoo- While I was off in between jobs, I decided on the fly to get a new tattoo.  "12763"  It's how many days Patrick was alive.   Olivia and I also got our "family" pictures taken.  Go figure, I had a coupon for a free sitting and 8x10 when I got my new lease last year.  So we went and had our pictures taken.  She was really shy at first, but then she warmed up and was the queen off the show.   Olivia after pictures. My favorite one. While I was off from work, I wanted to use my time to get back in to shape.  I started some of Jillian Michaels' videos.  30 day shred, Biggest Loser and kickboxing.  I was exercising 4-5 days a week.  An wouldn't you guess, I gained 5 pounds.  I think I've figured it out that it's my depo shot that I got and the hormones are screwing me up.  I took the shot to lessen my migraines.  I'd ra...

It's been a while since my last post, so I have a lot to catch up on. On March 14th I gave my notice at Kohl's.  I accepted a new job at Moraine Park Technical College in Fond du Lac.  I was at Kohl's for over 5 years and have made some wonderful friends.  I miss seeing them every day! But with my new job, I will gain 2.5 hours a day.  No more one hour commute each way!  I'm so excited to just drive down the street...literally.  4 stop lights, 2 turns. So with that, I've had some time off.  I start my new job on Monday.  I was originally trying to get my sinus surgery done while I had the time off.  That was a no go.  I just got the letter yesterday saying it was approved after our appeal.  A little too late.  Oh well.  I'll have to suffer through allergy season once again and wait until I can get the surgery done possibly this fall. With my time off, I've been able to tackle my to do list that's pretty big.  I'...

Most people know I have a liking for prisons.  My favorite movie is Shawshank Redemption.  I'm fascinated by how they work.  The social situations that happen there.  How they physically work.  I have been seeing my life as a prison in a way.  I'm limited to what I can and cannot do.  How people view or look at me.  I'm a young widow.  I'm on my own.  I don't have a boyfriend/fiance/husband at my side.  I'm not saying my life is horrible and I wear the prison blues.  I do get three squares a day, get limited outdoor activity, work my tail off every day and rarely get to see friends.  Ok. That was kind of funny. Prison blues at Alcatraz My life is good.  But limited. I'm traveling for work a lot lately.  2 trips to San Fran in 2 months.  I'll be out there again in 3 weeks.  My parents have Olivia all week.  That's a lot for them to take care of her every day and every night.  But...

18 months ago I was sitting in the hospital waiting for the surgery to be done.  It was only supposed to take maybe 4 or 5 hours.  Yet I was still waiting there in the room and it was 7 hours later.  I think I knew.  I didn't want to believe it, but I knew.  I had this eery feeling all night.  I was sick to my stomach.  Was it because I was 6 months pregnant?  Or was it because I had some kind of idea I was going to become a widow at the young age of 35.   I didn't know.  I look back now and I should have prepared myself more.  I think I kept too much of a positive attitude.  Not only for Patrick to be happy, but because I am not sure I wanted to "know" everything that was going on. I know people kept a lot from me. Family, friends and the doctors.  I get it.  They didn't want me to end up in the hospital, too.  I would at some point like to know what really happened.  What were the conversations people...

Dear Patrick, I've been missing you more and more lately.  I even get really mad that you're not here.  Olivia is talking so much more now.  She's even a full blown walker after weeks of falling and practicing.  She had fun at Christmas opening her presents and playing with the kids.  She's such a good eater.  She's eaten everything I have given her.  But now has decided she doesn't like broccoli and cauliflower.  She loves to play in her new kitchen.  She's taking after you with her cooking.  She loves to smile. Loves to laugh. Loves to see her family. Loves to play with the kids.  Loves animals.  Loves everything and is always happy.  She is you.  It sometimes makes it hard for me when I'm alone with her.  I'm so happy to have her and see her accomplish all of these things.  But then I get sad and mad because you are not there to see it.  You should be able to see her talk, walk and play.  You...