Friday, September 17, 2010

The journey so far...

I'm starting a blog in memory and honor of my husband, Patrick.  His blog was Bless This: The Chronicles of an Unemployed Male. So, hence the name of my blog, Bless This: Family.  Patrick would be pretty proud that I'm actually writing and posting it online, other than Facebook.  I'm not claiming to be a writer at all.  I'm horrible at it.  He was always the writer, not me.

I hope to have this as a place to update everyone on me, my pregnancy, our baby girl and have you learn more about Patrick and what his life was like.

Right now I am learning to deal with having a huge empty spot in my life.  Patrick and I were together for 8 wonderful years.  We would have celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary on November 15th.  He was taken from us on July 22nd, 2010 at the young age of 34.  To follow our journey this summer, please read the Carepages. 

I am very thankful for the family and friends that I have in my life.  I am not sure I could make it through this journey without them.  Everyone has done so much to help me and the baby.  To be honest, it's hard to be on the receiving end of things.  Patrick and I were always used to giving and helping others.  I'm doing it because I need it and because Patrick would want me to be taken care of.  I'm trying to keep all of his promises.

Right now, I'm taking it hour by hour.  I can only do that much right now.  My life has been pretty hectic this summer.  Being pregnant, supporting Patrick in the hospital for 3 weeks (10-14 hour days, every day), losing him, grieving, moving back home to Fond du Lac and getting ready for my baby girl.  I make it work the best I can.  Patrick would want me to.  He wouldn't want anything less than for me to do my best.  I just wish he was here to support me.  He was the one I leaned upon whenever I needed someone.  The first one I called when I needed advice or just wanted to talk things through.  He was always there for me.  No matter what the situation.  Now he's not and it's a void in my life.  A huge one.

I know many of you can't quite fully understand what it is like to lose a spouse.  Many don't know what to say, and that's OK.  I usually don't either.

It's very hard to explain.  It's all of the little things.  Patrick did more little things for me than anything.  He was so good at it.  Imagine having to go back and do everything on your own, when you are used to having someone help you or go with you.  Grocery shopping.  Watching your favorite shows.  Car rides.  Going out to dinner.  Walks.  Cooking.  Visiting friends and family.  Getting a hug every day after work.  The little things.  These simple things have all been very hard for me to do on my own.  Not like I can't do them or couldn't do them on my own before, but now I have to be without Patrick when doing them.  That's a part I miss a lot.

These past 8 weeks have been life changing for me.  I'm proud of myself for doing the little things.  I think and hope that Patrick is, too.

Well, on Monday I will be 33 weeks along in my pregnancy.  It has gone by fast so far.  I am very excited for the arrival of our baby girl, but it is going to be bittersweet.  I feel horrible that Patrick won't be able to experience something he'd been looking forward to.  Being a dad.  Like my dad said after the funeral, my daughter will have a lot of others that will step in and be a dad to her.  I am confident in that.

Thank you all for making it through my first blog.  Hoping for many more to come.