Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was never a big holiday for Patrick and I.  We wouldn't do much, but go out to dinner.  It was a date night for us.  He did always have flowers or something small waiting for me at the restaurant.

This past year, I told him I didn't need/want anything. We were short on money, as he had been laid off for 10 months.  I told him he could just write a poem for me.  But, in true Patrick fashion...he surprised me.

Valentine's Day 2010.  I receive a call from Judy at the front desk that I had something downstairs.  I quickly came down to see an arrangement of roses and an envelope for me.  I raced upstairs to open it.  It's a poem that Patrick wrote and it was perfect.  He went to Sendik's to have the flower arrangement done and then he delivered the roses himself to surprise me. 

This is the poem he wrote.  In red is what it means:)  Please read the poem first and then go back to read the red.

A Valentine Poem

A cold morn it was when I first caught glimpse of you.

Loud children in the background jumping and laughing –

and me hung over, stinking of booze... that was true.

Strong but soft you tried to play shy.
“Uncle Pat, Uncle Pat come play” Payton Mary cried. 
Your brown hair & your brown eyes…you caught my eye lady…this is no lie.

(We were both invited to Payton's 5th Birthday party.  Patrick had gone out the night before with Steve Johnson and he stank of booze the next day.  Also, I don't have brown eyes, they are blue.  But he is color blind.)

A strip club we visited and I saw whom you were - a friend, someone fearless, my future wife for sure.

(He came to my housewarming party in 2001.  After most everyone left, it was me and the boys.  They wanted to go to a strip club.  I ended up going because I was locked out of the house and Jason and Brock had the keys.  Patrick was the last one there with me and drove me there.  We became friends.)

Sometimes I ‘m a poop, angry like a bear – but it’s you that puts me in place, it’s you that cares and that is always there.

Trips to Pennsylvania with detours to Michigan – I know you hate when I watch Star Wars or Lord of the Rings – Again and Again.

(It was tradition to stop in Michigan to go to White Castle.  When we went, we got lost.  We always got lost when Patrick was driving.
His favorite movies were Star Wars and Lord of the rings.  He liked to watch them on TV compared to the DVD's.  He did watch them all the time!)

We’ve hit deer, strip poker’d with Brock and barfed Chinese – but the fun was doing all of it with you while listening to the Black Eyes Peas. 

(On our way to see Aunt Jude and Uncle Bill in PA, he hit a deer with my new Jeep on the way.
When he lived in Madison, Goehler and I got drunk and played strip quarters.  We wanted to see how drunk we could get before Patrick got home from work. When he returned, I was in a blanket and Brock in his boxers with the Black Eyed Peas playing at full blast.  Patrick and I went and got dinner (Chinese) later and I puked in the parking lot.)

Back –aches, migraines and my lack of no butt.  Us having food poisoning & with scratch-offs little to no luck –“What the Fuck?”

(Patrick and I got food poisoning and the flu at the same time.  We knew if we could survive that together, we could survive anything.
We only bought scratch off lottery tickets during Christmas and we never won.)

The porn channel on our honeymoon.
Our wedding song - the greatest-ever Pearl Jam tune.
The sweet sound of Given To Fly.
The picture of you blowing…the one that made me cry.

(On our Honeymoon in Punta Cana, a porn channel appeared half way thru our vacation out of no where.
On our wedding day in Patrick's card, I gave him a picture of me blowing him a kiss.  It made him cry.)

“Honey” is our nickname, our summoning for one another.
Used mostly for love but also when we fight, yell or bicker.

My wife – I love you more than you will ever see. 
There is no other person like you who allows me to be me. 
I may not know how to whisper and I may yawn too loud.
I also don’t turn on my side after being poked while I snore.

(Patrick had a hard time whispering.  He would talk softer, but it was still loud.
His yawns would be loud that they would sometimes scare me.
He snored all the time.  I used to hit him in the middle of the night, but then after a while I just gave him a soft poke and it usually worked.)

Just know that I will love you forever more.   

Happy Valentine’s Day
Love Always,
Your husband

Video of Olivia laughing.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Last Words

Well, this week was my first week back to work from maternity leave.  The first official day back was emergency...snow day.  So, I worked from home and caught up.  Thursday and Friday I was in the office.  My desk was decorated and I had bags of Doritos everywhere.  My friend Stacy knows how much I like Doritos and was sweet to think of me.  The last 2 days at work consisted of catching up on email, starting "To do" lists, meeting with people and best of all...catching up with my friends who I dearly missed.  You know who you are.  These last 2 days went well at work because of them.

I have missed Olivia so much.  It just stinks to get home late, feed her during her fussy time and then put her to bed.  No quality time with her at all.  The last 12 weeks, it's been Olivia and Mommy.  Other family and friends to be with us here and there.  But mainly it's been Team Blessing.  Big change to not have that from now on.  I hope I can adjust being away from her 55 hours a week.
My cube at work.

The Doritos truck I almost hijacked on the way home.
I would like to put something out there for God.  Please don't let anything else bad happen to my family and friends.  Our lives have been shaken up so much for the past year and it still hasn't stopped.  I think God does this to test our strength...but I'm calling a truce and he can stop testing us any time.  Way too many deaths, cancers, hospital stays, job losses and stress have happened lately and are continuing to happen.  When is it going to end?  I thought 2011 would be a fresh start and a good year.  Not so far.  Let's end this.  Geez.

Sunday will be spent watching the Superbowl at my brother and SIL's house with family.  I'm looking forward to it.  Go Pack.

Last words.
My last words to Patrick before he went into surgery and died were, "I love you very much." He replied, "I love you, too."  Then I walked out into the waiting room.  I felt different saying it to him that time.  It's not like I never meant it before when I've said it.  It just felt different this time when I said it.  I also added the word "very" in there.  I love you VERY much.  There was more passion and love in those last words to him than I ever said before.  Maybe I knew he was going to die.  I don't know.

What are your last words going to be to someone you love?  This got me thinking again when I watched a recent episode of one of our favorite shows.  How I Met Your Mother.  Marshall's dad died in the previous episode from a heart attack.  For a comedy show, I cried pretty hard.  It hit home.  In the last episode, he was trying to remember what the last words his dad said to him.  What will your last words be?  When you leave your friend's or family's house, do you hug them good-bye?  Do you say I love you?  Remember that next time.

I will always remember all of my "lasts" with Patrick.  My last Christmas with him was at my parent's house and he got me my Pandora bracelet with 3 charms-my birthstone, a snowflake for Christmas and one to represent our wedding.  Then for my last birthday (Easter), we went to Il Mito's in Wauwatosa.  I had morning/night sickness from being pregnant.  He gave me Prego Pops to help with the sickness ahead of time so I would be ok to eat.  When we sat down at the table, the waiter brought me my present and card.  A gift card to Motherhood Maternity and a charm for my bracelet...Olivia's birthstone.  Patrick always went to the restaurant ahead of time to bring my presents there.  For valentine's day, always flowers ahead of time.  He planned everything out for me always.
The last time we went to the grocery store together was the Saturday before he went in the hospital.  We were just coming from my hair appointment.  He wanted to sit there with me the whole time while I got my hair colored and cut.  Now that's a dedicated husband.  We were going to the store to pick up some items to go to Piotrowski's with Licht's for a BBQ.  Our last one with Patrick.
The last holiday with Patrick was Father's day at my parent's house.  That was also the last picture taken of him.
Opening his Father's day card with Rachel and Eli.

The last time I got to hug him after work-our ritual-was June 29th.  The last dinner he cooked me was steak and asparagus.
The last card he got me was for my first mother's day.
My Mother's Day card from Patrick

The last wedding we attended was Cantwell's.  That was also our last dance together and it was to Purple Rain.  The last Sunday we had together snuggling and watching movies all day. The last time I saw Patrick alive was July 21st before surgery.  We told each other "I love you." 
Cantwell's wedding

facebook page to see.

Olivia being funny.

Holding her own bottle

Teaching her good music young.