Monday, June 27, 2011

One year ago

One year ago on the 26th Patrick came with me to get my hair done with Krista.  I had to get my hair cut and colored.  He waited.  He played on my iPhone, made friends in the salon and chatted with us girls.  He waited for me.  Who would do that???  Patrick would and he did.  After we left, we made our way to the grocery store and picked up a few things to bring to the Piotrowski's house for a BBQ with the Licht's.  We cooked out and ate too much that night.  Patrick made me get non-alcoholic wine.  We both laughed that we paid $10 for bad tasting grape juice.   We came home and went to bed.

The next day it was just him and I.  We hung out all day and watched movies and snuggled on the couch.  A normal Sunday.  Monday, he got up early and went to work out and I got ready for work.  I came home to steak and asparagus on the grill.  Same for the next day.  Then it was Wednesday, June 30, 2010.

One year ago on the 30th,  I got up after Patrick went to the gym.  I got ready and went to work.  I was about to turn off on Silver Spring from 45, when I got a call.  It was the YMCA.  I had to go and get Patrick because he wasn't feeling well and they didn't want him to drive home.  I quickly turned around with my heart jumping out of my chest.  I pulled into the Y parking lot, ran in.  I found him laying on the ground, clenching his chest.  He had started feeling better and just wanted to go to the walk in clinic.  I said no, brought the car around and we were quickly on our way to Froedtert ER. 

It was just after 7:30 am and the morning traffic was getting heavy no matter where you went.  We got stuck in traffic on Watertown Plank Road.  He started getting nervous, holding his chest, sweating and getting pissed.  I actually kept calm, not to make him more upset.  I drove through a couple lights and went around people to get to the ER as fast as I could.  I pulled right up and got him a wheel chair.  They brought him back right away.   I parked the car and then ran as fast as my body could being 5 months pregnant and in a dress.  I got back there and there were over 10 people working on him and sticking things into him.  He was having a heart attack.  I had to walk away, as I started getting upset and crying.  From that moment on, the staff at Froedtert took care of me like I was a patient, right along side of Patrick.  They were so nervous that something could happen to the baby.  Once they got him "stable", we rode down the hall and into an elevator up to the Cath Lab.  He was doing ok.  I went to the waiting room.  The doctor came in and let me know he was having a heart attack and they were checking for the blockage.  Worse case scenario at this time was that he had to have surgery.  His beeper went off and he raced off.  Come to find out,  Patrick was crashing on the table.  He did 2 more times that morning before he was off to surgery.  I made my calls to Patrick's family and mine.  I waited in that room by myself forever.  They then brought me down to the ICU waiting room, as he was going into surgery ASAP.  I sat there by myself forever, too.  Then my parents came, Shawn, Christine and MC.  Then all throughout the day, they came by the dozens.  Friends and family all day.  The surgery was to take over 7 hours I think.  That was a long day.  I wore his wedding ring on my thumb.  I listened to his iPod.  I wanted to be close to him when I wasn't.  Patrick survived the surgery, when they didn't think he was going to make it.  

He went on to struggle until his next surgery, one week later.  July 7th.  He survived.  He was then being put on the transplant list and transferred over to St. Luke's.  He had another surgery 2 weeks later on the 22nd.  This one he did not survive.  This day, one year ago on the 22nd of July forever changed my life and Olivia's.  Worst day ever. 

I gave Patrick a kiss and told him, "I love you very much" and I walked out of the CVICU room.  I never saw him alive again. 

Patrick's mom, sister, brother-in-law, aunt and uncle, my parents and Jon were sitting in the waiting room.  All alone.  We started getting check ups from the team.  It wasn't looking good.  We all started praying.  I got really nervous.  I was sick to my stomach.  They started getting late with the updates.  They sent a chaplain in.  I knew this wasn't good.  I just knew.  Then the doctor came walking in with 2 nurses.  I saw the look on his face and he frowned.  I cried out NO!  Everyone started crying.  I will never forget that feeling.  I felt like I was in a movie.  This wasn't real.  But it was.  Hours later I was planning his funeral. I was alone.  No more Christy and Patrick or a family.  It was just me and I was 6 months pregnant.  I hated how things turned out.  The next time I saw him he was laying in a back room of the CVICU

One year ago today Patrick and I were happily married.  In less than a month, I can no longer say that.
Four years ago on July 22nd, Patrick proposed to me at the end of his triathlon race with family in attendance.

One year ago on July 22nd, Patrick was taken away.

I love you and will miss you forever.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Happy Father's Day Patrick

Last year Patrick had his official first Father's Day.  I was 4 months pregnant and we were about to find out the next day that we were going to have a girl.  We celebrated at my parents house.  Patrick got 2 cards. One from me and one from my parents-which I still have both.  I also gave him a dress shirt that was purple and white gingham.  I will be having that shirt and one other of his made into a dress for Olivia.  I remember the ride back to Milwaukee after dinner.  We talked about how this was his first official, yet unofficial First Father's Day.  It turned out to be his only one.  We talked about how excited we were to be parents and find out if it was a girl or boy.  He guessed girl and I guesses boy.  He was right:)

Patrick opening his Father's Day card with Rachel and Eli

This year on Father's Day will be a little different.  Olivia will be celebrating Father's Day with Grandpa and not her daddy.  I'm sure everyone will say that "He's looking down from heaven and being a father to her up there." He might be.  But the one thing I know for sure, is that he's not here with us on Father's Day.  He should be.  I'm mad that he's not here.  I'm sad and upset that he never got the chance to be a dad.  There are so many other dads out there that give that chance away so easily.  He wanted it and never got it.  It's not fair.

Will Olivia ever have a dad?  Will she have someone to play sports with in the yard?  Will she have a dad to take her fishing for the first time?  Will she have a dad to attend school for donuts with dad or her first father/daughter dance?  Will she have a dad looking out for her when she has her first boyfriend?  Will she have a dad to walk her down the aisle at her wedding?  Will she have a dad to see all of her first moments?  These are things I think about all the time for her.  I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about her and the loss of a father figure in her life.  It's not fair to her.  One bit.

Olivia is now 7 months old.  She is sitting up by herself very well.  She started doing some scooting on her tummy and an army crawl.  She can entertain herself and play for over an hour.  She's eating cereal, carrots, squash, sweet potatoes and apple sauce.  She's a good eater and loves all the food so far.  She loves being outside and feeling the wind on her face.  She loves watching the kids play.  She loves playing with her cousin Kate.
Olivia up North at Katie and Mike's

I'm still driving to Milwaukee 3-4 days a week for work.  It's going very well and staying very busy.  Not much time with Olivia during the work week, but we have our time on the weekends.  We've been continuing to be busy every weekend.  BBQ's, Walleye Weekend, trips up North, visiting family, parties, etc.  Not sure when we have a weekend free soon...

Hope to catch up with everyone over the summer.  Enjoy the nice weather!