Monday, June 25, 2012

Patrick-2 years's about that time of year again.  The time where I sometimes shut down.  I'm sometimes short with people and crabby.  I might just like to be alone.  Or cry by myself.  

It's anniversary time.

June 17.  Father's Day.
June 30, 2010.  Patrick has his heart attack and first surgery at Froedtert.
July 7, 2010.  Patrick has issues and they bring him in for a 2nd open heart surgery.
July 11.  I close on the house. Our house.  It will be gone.
July 15, 2010.  Patrick is placed on the transplant list.
July 16, 2010.  Patrick is moved from Froedtert to St. Lukes.
July 19, 2010.  Patrick has a stroke.
July 22, 2010. 12:40am.  Patrick passed away during his 3rd open heart surgery.  This year is also the 5 year anniversary of Patrick's marriage proposal.
July 25, 2010.  Wake
July 26, 2010.  Funeral
August 12.  Patrick would have turned 37.  Only made it to 34.
August 14, 2010.  Patrick's committal ceremony at the cemetery.

I don't need sympathy.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I don't need or want the attention.  I've come to accept over the past 2 years that the big "W" stamped on my forehead means something other than widow.  It means wife.  It means I had someone great to make me a widow.  Someone who asked me to marry them.  Someone who was my husband and I was his wife.  Not many people are as lucky as Patrick and I were to find each other.  I think he was the only "luck" I ever had in the world. 

Please hug your spouse tonight.  Don't get mad they didn't take out the garbage or forgot their shoes in the living room.  Who cares if they forgot the milk you needed so bad.  Or that you have nothing to do this weekend.  You are lucky.  You have someone.  Someone who loves you.  Someone who is there for you.  

To not have a spouse by your side for 2 years is hard.  Very hard.  Lonely.  Very lonely.  Try to raise a baby, now a toddler.  On your own.  One salary.  Bills.  No life insurance.  Problem after problem.  Commuting for 1 1/2 years and missing out on time with your daughter.  Trying to sell your house for a year.  I could go on and on.  But I don't like thinking about all the bad things.  I haven't even touched the surface.  You think you know because you're my family or friend? Or from what I post on Facebook?  I don't tell people 1/2 of my story.  That I keep to myself.  If you all really knew what was going on in my head, I'd be in the insane asylum.  Locked up.  No joke.

How did I get by the past 2 years?  Obviously I have great family that is helping with me with Olivia.  If it weren't for them, I would NOT be here.  I also have very caring friends.  I was in an 8 week support group shortly after.  Great experience and a lot of help.  I did not choose drugs or alcohol.  I didn't choose depression.  I didn't choose walking away or taking my life.  I have my own coping strategies.  I may look like one tough bitch on the outside, but I'm not.  That's how I cope.  That's how I get through every hour.  I keep my emotions inside and let them out on my own time and by myself.  That's no one's business but mine.  I had to get up and out of bed every day.  I have a daughter who needs me and I need her.  If I would not have fought these last two years, I would not have her.  She makes me get up every day.  She makes me work hard to support her.  She makes me smile.  She makes me "ME".  It used to be Patrick that did all of those things.  I did everything for him and with him in mind.  Now that's Olivia.  I just wish I could do it for the both of them.  

So...are having a "bad day".  Check yourself.  Ask why you are having a bad day.  Did you get a paper cut or did someone you love die?  Did you get yelled at work or did someone you love die?  Did you get a speeding ticket or did someone you love die?  Check yourself.  Talk to someone who lost someone they love.  All of those things that might make you think you had a bad day....are really a good day.  Because more than likely you had someone you love to complain about it to.  A lot of people I have met over the past 2 years don't have that.  They don't have husbands to complain to. They are widows.  WE are widows.

These past 2 years have flown by.  Lots of days during that time were the longest in my life.  I am proud that I made it. 

Please just pray and think of Patrick.  I don't want him to ever be forgotten.  Always remembered.  Always in your heart.  

I'm sure he's made his appearances to many of you.  I would love to hear the stories.

Here is a link to the 22 day story.  I'm warning you.  You will need time to read this and may want to be alone.  I can't read it without crying my eyes out every time.  It's tough to look back and read everything he had to suffer to try and stay alive for 22 days.

The happiest day of my life.

Sunday, June 3, 2012


It's been a while since my last this may be a long one.

New Tattoo-
While I was off in between jobs, I decided on the fly to get a new tattoo.  "12763"  It's how many days Patrick was alive.

Olivia and I also got our "family" pictures taken.  Go figure, I had a coupon for a free sitting and 8x10 when I got my new lease last year.  So we went and had our pictures taken.  She was really shy at first, but then she warmed up and was the queen off the show.
Olivia after pictures.
My favorite one.

While I was off from work, I wanted to use my time to get back in to shape.  I started some of Jillian Michaels' videos.  30 day shred, Biggest Loser and kickboxing.  I was exercising 4-5 days a week.  An wouldn't you guess, I gained 5 pounds.  I think I've figured it out that it's my depo shot that I got and the hormones are screwing me up.  I took the shot to lessen my migraines.  I'd rather have a bad headache than a fat ass.

I also started my new job at Moraine Park Technical College.  I've been there around a month and a half.  I love it.  I love the people I work with.  I'm the recruitment and employment manager.  I will have much more responsibility.  I'm most excited about everything that I will be able to learn.

My new desk at work.  Melissa decorated it for me!
We also had Brea's wedding shower and bachelorette party in April.  It was a fun night out.  Cousin Payton and Uncle Shawn babysat for Olivia that night.  Shawn commented on that it was hard to take a toddler to the grocery store.  I laughed under my breath.  It's been a long time since his daughter was a toddler.  It was a great time, even though all of us moms were ready to go home at 10 because we were tired.  

Payton and Olivia on her favorite toy, iPhone.

Amy and I.  It took 10 pictures to get a decent one.             

The next day, we had Lawson's first communion.  Olivia made it through 1/2 of church.  Then I had to keep her quiet and occupied in back.  That was kind of a hard day.  It was the first time I was back in that church since Patrick's funeral.  Made it though.

The following weekend I had my Godchild, Grace's first communion. It was nice to spend some time with Tammy and her family.
Grace with her hair done so pretty!

Then Olivia's best friend and cousin, Kate, turned 2!  It was such a fun party. Rainbow themed.  We had a fun time.

Mother's day.  Olivia and I spent the day together.  We went to visit Patrick, played at the park and went to my parents for a cook out with the family.  That was also the day I ran 2 miles for the first time in my life.  I decided that day that I was going to run in the race for Walleye Weekend.  Well, I've only run twice since then. I've been sick with ear/sinus infections, fever and flu.  We'll see how things go on Saturday.

My present from Olivia from school

Dinner with all the cousins

 And now the house.  IT'S SOLD!  Finally after over a year of stress.  Let's just say it hasn't been a pleasant experience.  It started out with the house  not showing well, then no interest, then the pipes bursting because of the oil company, then new floors and ceiling, then a bunch of other stuff...and then an offer!  Well, not a good offer.  I had already dropped the price of the home 20k from what we bought it at.  Then they came in another 20k lower than that!  What?!/!  I was so upset.  I came back to a counter and they agreed. Then they asked me to pay their closing costs.  Nope. So then they countered back a measly $1500.  How stupid.  So I accepted.  Then it was time for inspection. It went well, considering it was built in 1941.  The inspector suggested they have some specialists look at it further. They had to get that done by this past Thursday. They got everything in besides the roofers.  They wanted a few estimates, as they have to replace it within 60 days, per their lender.  I let them extend it 2 days to get that done.  Then then sent another counter offer asking if I'd pay $5k towards the roof.  OMG. NO I said once again.  So Friday night I got an email late in the day with them accepting my terms and extending the closing date (because of their lender). So now I close on July 11.  I'm so happy to have the house off of my hands, but so sad.  I love that house. I'm going to miss that house.  Patrick and I bought that together.  We owned it together.  We have so many memories there in 3 years.  The last 2 years on the other hand, not good memories.  Just money out the window.  I'm not only losing out on Patrick's salary every year to help with costs, but I've lost twice his salary on this house.  Let's just say it's a lot of money gone for no reason.  It's very upsetting.  Like I said before, I'm looking forward to moving on and finding a new home for Olivia and I.  Hopefully I can make up some of the cost on our new home.

This weekend was one that I was looking forward to for a while.  Brea and Jason got married in Door County.  It was only the 2nd weekend I was away from Olivia, not involving work. Something fun for me.  I picked up Shawn on Friday afternoon and we headed up.  Met up with all of our other friends and had a great dinner and a few drinks.  Celebrating I also sold my house.  Then early in the evening, I was feeling sick and went back to my cabin.  Guess what.  I caught Olivia's flu that she had Wednesday and Thursday.  Great.  I was so sick all night.  Didn't sleep a wink.  And no Patrick there to help me.  Then all day Saturday until the ceremony, I was in bed.  I finally got ready and met up with the girls.  The ceremony was outside, it was drizzling a little bit.  It worked and it was still beautiful.  There was a chair in the front row with a black jacket hanging on it and a sign that said, "reserved for Patrick Blessing".  It then started catching up with me.  I was already sad being up there by myself, no significant other, husband, nothing.  Just me.  And I was sick.  Ceremony finished and I went back to my room until dinner.  I then came back and ate a roll and a few potatoes and water.  I was the "single" person at the table.  No Patrick.  After that, we all headed to the bar.  Water for me again.  At this point, everyone was starting to get annoying, because they had a few drinks and I had none.  Not fun I might add.  But funny. Very funny.  It was odd for me all night.  I am such good friends with all of these people and we love each other so much.  They are there for me whenever I need anything.  Anything.  But last night I felt out of place and very alone.  Everyone always had their husband to fall back on.  Getting them drinks, checking in on them, kissing them, asking them to dance, etc.  It was just me. No Patrick.  Then it got to me even more when they played "Kung Fu Fighting".  That was Patrick's signature song at EVERY wedding.  Everyone went on the dance floor and did their thing.  I sat back and watched.  I then was getting too choked up and had to leave.   Right behind me following me outside were my girls:)  They knew:)  The night ended and I walked back to my cabin by myself.  No Patrick.  I did have my friend Jen follow me and made sure I got there  and that I was ok.  We sat and talked for a bit and I finally fell asleep. I was so tired from the night before.  I then got up and was feeling ok.  Was meeting people for breakfast, which I was nervous about eating.  I then got sick again all morning.  Thank goodness I felt better later and the 2 1/ 2 hour ride home was a breeze. 
Daddy's girl

Grandma put in french braids!

I then got to pick up my baby girl!  I was so excited to see her.  She had the flu earlier this week and I was worried about her all weekend.  Thanks to my mom and dad for taking care of her all weekend.  Well, that is until she passed her sickness not only to me, but my dad, too.  :( 

We spent the day together playing blocks and with her ball.  Favorite toys.  Then it was dinner, bath and bed.  Now, I can stop feeling nauseous any time here.  I would like to feel good enough to get a good nights sleep.  I need to be good to go back to work tomorrow and take care of my girl.

This weekend I have Tammy and her family staying here for Walleye Weekend.  Olivia will be running the 1/3 mile and I will be "running" the 2 mile.  If I'm not sick.  I'm hoping to get a few runs in this week.  We will see how my inhaler and I do:)