Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dear Patrick,

Dear Patrick,
I've been missing you more and more lately.  I even get really mad that you're not here.  Olivia is talking so much more now.  She's even a full blown walker after weeks of falling and practicing.  She had fun at Christmas opening her presents and playing with the kids.  She's such a good eater.  She's eaten everything I have given her.  But now has decided she doesn't like broccoli and cauliflower.  She loves to play in her new kitchen.  She's taking after you with her cooking.  She loves to smile. Loves to laugh. Loves to see her family. Loves to play with the kids.  Loves animals.  Loves everything and is always happy.  She is you. 

It sometimes makes it hard for me when I'm alone with her.  I'm so happy to have her and see her accomplish all of these things.  But then I get sad and mad because you are not there to see it.  You should be able to see her talk, walk and play.  You should be setting things out from Santa for her.  You should be making her awesome food.  You should be making her laugh.  You should be showing her off to your friends an family.  You should be there to catch her when she falls.  You should be there for the diaper changing. You should be there to put a bow in her hair. You should be there to read her books at night. You should be there to see her smiling face every morning.  You should be there to have her fall asleep on your shoulder.  But you're  not.  It's just me and that makes me sad and angry.

I've been having so many people lately tell me about how God should be a part of my life.  He makes things easier for you. He is there for you.  Trust in him.  Have faith.  God has a plan.  That I should go to church. Pray to him. Love him.  Right now I can't do any of those things.  You know how things changed with us and God years back.  We had too many experiences that changed our views.  We always believed in a higher power, but weren't so sure about our prior Catholic beliefs.  Ever since you died....so did my faith.  I prayed to God every day while you were in the hospital.  Everyone did.  It did nothing.  I prayed so hard when you were in your last surgery.  I kept saying over and over, "Please God, don't let Patrick die. Please."  Look where that got us.  To me, he has done nothing for me except take you away and have me suffer.  If only people knew what I went through on a daily basis.  Not only grieving, but just having to do things on my own.  Work stresses me out.  Not being able to see Olivia 3 days a week makes me sad.  Having to drive far for work is not the greatest.  Not selling the house for 6 months has been a struggle.  Doing all the cooking, cleaning, errands, bills, shopping, fixing of things and raising our daughter alone. Every day.  God has not made anything easier for me.  He has never answered my prayers.  He has not proved to me that he exists.  I know that something is out there, but not sure what.  I wish I had faith and belief like so many people I know.  I just can't do it.  I just want my life a little easier. 

I still hang out with all of our friends.  The Appleton crew, Ripon crew and family.  I love being with them.  They remind me of you.  It's just hard when it's all couples and then just me.  I miss having you there by my side. Every time I'm with them, I think of you and what you would be doing or saying.  I sometimes pretend that you're there.

Never got in the Christmas spirit this year.  Put the tree up just in time for it to be taken down. I did it for Olivia, because she loves the tree with lights on it.  I had a hard time listening to Christmas music.  I just couldn't get into this year.  I should have. For Olivia.  But I didn't.  Just put a smile on my face like I do every day.  It's over now, so I don't have to worry about anything any more. New Year's is coming up.  You know how much I hate that holiday.  It's always pressured to be at a party or kiss someone at midnight.  I never cared for it.  I hate it now that you're not here and I'm alone.  O and I are going to just watch tv.  I might have a glass of wine.  We'll both be in bed before the New Year.  I'm hoping 2012 will be a good year.  12 is my favorite number. So it has to be.  These last 3 years have been pretty crappy for us, so I'm just hoping the universe shifts a little and goes my way.

I am on vacation all week and totally loving it.  Hanging out with O. Shopping. Errands. Cleaning. Visiting friends and family.  I wish our dream would have come true.  You in your great advertising job and loving every day of it and me at home with Olivia full time.  We never got what we wanted and it's hard for me to accept that.  I still do think about going back to school for nursing, but that's impossible, too.  I have to work full time for money and benefits and I just don't have the money or time to do it.  Yet another dream put on hold.  Before this, I only had two dreams in my life come true.  Marrying you and having Olivia.  And one dream has been taken away from me.

I have  normally been staying very positive about things since you died.  The last few months have just been, well...not positive.  I'm trying very hard.  I really am.  I just have too many obstacles in my way and they keep adding up.  Most days I laugh about it because it's just absurd that I could really have that many things happen to me.  I thought about writing them down, because no one would believe me.  But then I thought to myself, I can't focus on the negative.  So, I don't.  I just cry for a bit and move on.  I do sometimes scream at you.  Kind of like when I blamed things on the dog, even though Jake never did it.  But he was there to blame. :)

Not much else is new.  Just waiting for my stupid, new treadmill to get fixed so I can actually get my fat ass on it.  It's not as fat as when you were still here.  I'm actually 5 pounds under pre-Olivia weight.  I just want to get to my wedding weight.  I did have a membership to the YMCA, but you know how that turned out.  No time.  Or at least when I did have time, it didn't fit into Olivia's schedule or their daycare schedule.  So, we'll see how this turns out.  You can laugh at me as I try to become a "runner".

Well, it's off to bed.  It's actually past my bed time.  Yes, I still go to bed early.  Earlier now because of Olivia.  I'm just so exhausted every day.  Being an only parent is a lot of work.  But it's the best job in the world.  I just wish you could experience it. 

Love you more than anything in the world.  Miss you like crazy.  Wish you were here with us.  Please watch over us and protect us from bad things.  Please help me be a good mommy to Olivia.  That's all that matters.

Love always,

Your wife.

Here are some pictures of Olivia from Christmas.

Grandpa and O

Olivia and I on Christmas Day

Eating her Christmas cookie from Grandma

Opening her present from me.