Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dear Patrick,

Dear Patrick,
I've been missing you more and more lately.  I even get really mad that you're not here.  Olivia is talking so much more now.  She's even a full blown walker after weeks of falling and practicing.  She had fun at Christmas opening her presents and playing with the kids.  She's such a good eater.  She's eaten everything I have given her.  But now has decided she doesn't like broccoli and cauliflower.  She loves to play in her new kitchen.  She's taking after you with her cooking.  She loves to smile. Loves to laugh. Loves to see her family. Loves to play with the kids.  Loves animals.  Loves everything and is always happy.  She is you. 

It sometimes makes it hard for me when I'm alone with her.  I'm so happy to have her and see her accomplish all of these things.  But then I get sad and mad because you are not there to see it.  You should be able to see her talk, walk and play.  You should be setting things out from Santa for her.  You should be making her awesome food.  You should be making her laugh.  You should be showing her off to your friends an family.  You should be there to catch her when she falls.  You should be there for the diaper changing. You should be there to put a bow in her hair. You should be there to read her books at night. You should be there to see her smiling face every morning.  You should be there to have her fall asleep on your shoulder.  But you're  not.  It's just me and that makes me sad and angry.

I've been having so many people lately tell me about how God should be a part of my life.  He makes things easier for you. He is there for you.  Trust in him.  Have faith.  God has a plan.  That I should go to church. Pray to him. Love him.  Right now I can't do any of those things.  You know how things changed with us and God years back.  We had too many experiences that changed our views.  We always believed in a higher power, but weren't so sure about our prior Catholic beliefs.  Ever since you died....so did my faith.  I prayed to God every day while you were in the hospital.  Everyone did.  It did nothing.  I prayed so hard when you were in your last surgery.  I kept saying over and over, "Please God, don't let Patrick die. Please."  Look where that got us.  To me, he has done nothing for me except take you away and have me suffer.  If only people knew what I went through on a daily basis.  Not only grieving, but just having to do things on my own.  Work stresses me out.  Not being able to see Olivia 3 days a week makes me sad.  Having to drive far for work is not the greatest.  Not selling the house for 6 months has been a struggle.  Doing all the cooking, cleaning, errands, bills, shopping, fixing of things and raising our daughter alone. Every day.  God has not made anything easier for me.  He has never answered my prayers.  He has not proved to me that he exists.  I know that something is out there, but not sure what.  I wish I had faith and belief like so many people I know.  I just can't do it.  I just want my life a little easier. 

I still hang out with all of our friends.  The Appleton crew, Ripon crew and family.  I love being with them.  They remind me of you.  It's just hard when it's all couples and then just me.  I miss having you there by my side. Every time I'm with them, I think of you and what you would be doing or saying.  I sometimes pretend that you're there.

Never got in the Christmas spirit this year.  Put the tree up just in time for it to be taken down. I did it for Olivia, because she loves the tree with lights on it.  I had a hard time listening to Christmas music.  I just couldn't get into this year.  I should have. For Olivia.  But I didn't.  Just put a smile on my face like I do every day.  It's over now, so I don't have to worry about anything any more. New Year's is coming up.  You know how much I hate that holiday.  It's always pressured to be at a party or kiss someone at midnight.  I never cared for it.  I hate it now that you're not here and I'm alone.  O and I are going to just watch tv.  I might have a glass of wine.  We'll both be in bed before the New Year.  I'm hoping 2012 will be a good year.  12 is my favorite number. So it has to be.  These last 3 years have been pretty crappy for us, so I'm just hoping the universe shifts a little and goes my way.

I am on vacation all week and totally loving it.  Hanging out with O. Shopping. Errands. Cleaning. Visiting friends and family.  I wish our dream would have come true.  You in your great advertising job and loving every day of it and me at home with Olivia full time.  We never got what we wanted and it's hard for me to accept that.  I still do think about going back to school for nursing, but that's impossible, too.  I have to work full time for money and benefits and I just don't have the money or time to do it.  Yet another dream put on hold.  Before this, I only had two dreams in my life come true.  Marrying you and having Olivia.  And one dream has been taken away from me.

I have  normally been staying very positive about things since you died.  The last few months have just been, well...not positive.  I'm trying very hard.  I really am.  I just have too many obstacles in my way and they keep adding up.  Most days I laugh about it because it's just absurd that I could really have that many things happen to me.  I thought about writing them down, because no one would believe me.  But then I thought to myself, I can't focus on the negative.  So, I don't.  I just cry for a bit and move on.  I do sometimes scream at you.  Kind of like when I blamed things on the dog, even though Jake never did it.  But he was there to blame. :)


Not much else is new.  Just waiting for my stupid, new treadmill to get fixed so I can actually get my fat ass on it.  It's not as fat as when you were still here.  I'm actually 5 pounds under pre-Olivia weight.  I just want to get to my wedding weight.  I did have a membership to the YMCA, but you know how that turned out.  No time.  Or at least when I did have time, it didn't fit into Olivia's schedule or their daycare schedule.  So, we'll see how this turns out.  You can laugh at me as I try to become a "runner".

Well, it's off to bed.  It's actually past my bed time.  Yes, I still go to bed early.  Earlier now because of Olivia.  I'm just so exhausted every day.  Being an only parent is a lot of work.  But it's the best job in the world.  I just wish you could experience it. 

Love you more than anything in the world.  Miss you like crazy.  Wish you were here with us.  Please watch over us and protect us from bad things.  Please help me be a good mommy to Olivia.  That's all that matters.

Love always,

Your wife.

PS.
Here are some pictures of Olivia from Christmas.

Grandpa and O

Olivia and I on Christmas Day

Eating her Christmas cookie from Grandma

Opening her present from me.

151 comments:

  1. Oh, Christy. My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is, and I feel angry sometimes, too. I wish I could share with you what God has done for me. All I can tell you is that I chose to draw near to Him by spending time reading His word, praying, and being in church every time I could be. The result was that He gave me peace of mind and heart. It didn't make everything all better. This life will never be perfect. But I do have peace and hope about the future. God is no respecter of persons. If He will do that for me, He will do it for you, too. I do not mean to preach at you. I just want to encourage you. If you want to talk about anything, message me. Lots if love to you and sweet Olivia.

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  2. Olivia is gorgeous. And you're one of the strongest women I've ever encountered. LOVE to you.

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss, and your pain. I learned a long time ago that God really does answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is no. I truly hope 2012 is a better year for you. Hugs, Dee

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  4. Hello there Christy. I hear you've been going through a really hard time recently. I just wanted to let you know that there are lots of people right now, me included, who are thinking about you and sending their love. Stay strong and believe me, you'll get through this difficult time. Love :)

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  5. Christy--my heart is hurting for you...I cannot even imagine what you must be going through. But I do know that God loves you more than anything and that He is also hurting with you. Just remember that He is always there, even when we can't feel Him...praying for you!

    --Lesa

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  6. I'm so sorry to read about your great loss and the difficulty you face each day, continuing your life with your beautiful daughter. You are a great role model and are making an excellent example for her, showing her how brave and strong a woman can be. I salute you.

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  7. Sometimes, blogs like these leave me speechless. So know, from a stranger to another stranger, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers today. You're remarkable. I wish you and your daughter peace. <3

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  8. Oh Christy, my heart absolutely breaks reading this. How hard every day must be and if only you knew it got better one day. I don't know if it gets better, only that maybe eventually it gets easier. Your beautiful daughter is where you can find your comfort, see your husband in her and see her through his eyes. There is nothing wrong with not looking to god for comfort, we all find it in different places and even the anger can be some measure of therapy. I have no words of comfort or healing. I only wanted to tell you that I am so sorry and that the universe is loving you today. I am not a religious person either but I do feel that, in some way, Patrick is with you every day. He is watching his daughter grow and he is loving her and he is longing to be with you again. Surround yourself with things that make you think of him. Let your heart take the path that it needs to heal and have faith in your husband that he is walking it with you. Be well.

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  9. You are so eloquent in your grief. You have a beautiful baby, and may your grief become more manageable in 2012. He misses you too. I am sure of it.

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  10. Dearest Christy,
    I hope this message finds you well and safe. I would love to write; "...finds you happy and excited", but I understand that at this moment and in this place in your life, that is not possible.
    It is not possible for me to understand what it feel like to lose a husband.
    I lost my brother.
    All I can tell you with any level of certainty is this; "this too shall pass"
    Slowly. Painfully. Heart breakingly.
    You and your beautiful daughter will be alright. In fact, with time, you will be more than fine.
    But it will take a while...
    Sending you vats of love and light from a wet, rainy and windy London.
    Iona

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  11. I send you a deep relaxing breath, a smile of understanding, and a big hug.
    I lost my husband to leukemia, so I know how you feel. All I can say is that it wont always be as hard as it is now.
    Love and blessings to you and Olivia! ~M

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  12. I wish I had a magic wand to wave and make everything all right for you and your child, but I don't. All I can do is offer you my hopes and wishes that this will be a better year for you and that things will get easier and more joyful for you.

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  13. Christy, I hope that this year, the universe conspires to give you and your daughter everything you both need and more. I hope you keep on dreaming and that those dreams come true. I also hope you continue to stay positive, while still being sincere and knowing that it's ok to be angry sometimes. I can't say I know how it feels to go through what you've been through, but I do hope that as each day passes, it gets just a little bit better. God bless you and Olivia...I'm sure one day she'll learn about and be proud of her amazing father.

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  14. Christy, you don't know me, but I am a wife and a mother and I just want to tell you that your incredible strength comes through in every word.

    There is no right or wrong way to feel when you have had your world ripped apart. Don't worry about believing in God or trusting in God or anything else you think you "should" be doing. Putting one foot in front of the other and making it through every day and taking care of your beautiful girl is all that matters right now.

    Sending you love and fervent wishes that 2012 is a better year for you.

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  15. Christy, thanks for sharing this with all of us, and not keeping this letter on paper somewhere, tucked away for no one else to see. I cried my whole way through it. I have never experienced what you are, but I can only imagine who incredibly hard it is. I know that you think that God took away Patrick, but my friend, I must tell you that it wasn't Him. God is not the only "person" at work on this earth. He is giving you strength to press on, learning how to live without Patrick. And learning how to love your sweet Olivia- you are doing an amazing job at that. I know Patrick is so, so proud of you. There's hope in the resurrection- God will make all things right, including this. He is grieving with you.
    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you. Praying that 2012 is a renewing year for you. Much love being sent your way!

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  16. I am sending warm thoughts and love your way today. I still question God each and every day since the loss of my husband. I get angry, I get sad, but thankfully I have come around to see moments of Joy and you will too. I am so glad that you have O in your life to bless you each day. Love and hugs your way as you battle through. It ain't easy.

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  17. Although we have never met, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for your loss, and for your daily struggles. I have to believe that your husband is with you all the time, walking beside you, sharing every moment with you, holding your hand, every day. I wish you and your daughter strength, peace and overwhelming love in 2012. Blessings to you!

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  18. I am praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts, holding you to the light. I am praying for you and your daughter, for a lighter load, for an easier time, for peace.

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  19. Love to you and your beautiful daughter. Hopeful that 2012 is kinder.....
    Patrick is beside you. Of that I have no doubt.

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  20. You have strength that I only wish I had. My heart goes out to your family and you my dear. It is so hard now. The pain is new and I know you will never get over this loss but I will add you and your family to my prayer journal and wish you the best in life. Always remember your beloved Patrick is watching you all and loves you so very much and so very proud of you~ ... xoxo Debj 29Gifts

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  21. Words just cannot describe how reading this made me feel... Your strength absolutely blows my mind and I admire you very much for it!

    "When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will NOT go down." Isaiah 43:2
    It may not seem like the truth right now, but God has never left you - and He never will. He loves you and Olivia so so much. Life is never easy, but don't ever lose hope...

    Your smile is absolutely beautiful; hope there never will be a moment without it being genuine! Olivia is so very sweet! You must be proud :)

    Many blessings and happiness to you and the family, especially in the New Year. God bless you hugely,

    Praying for you all, xxx

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  22. Christy - I know how hard it is to reconcile that anger, true anger is a part of grief. It is. And feeling it and owning it is so, so good. It means you're healing. I hope for you to continue to heal. Things DO get better. Different...but better. Take care...

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  23. Christy, what you are going through IS hard, and all your emotions make 100% sense. Love & good vibes to you and Olivia for a 2012 that gets a little bit easier. Love, Emma

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  24. I don't really know what to say. I'm so sorry for your loss; I know it's a loss you feel every day. You don't know me and all I know is what I've read here, but I wish/hope/pray that things do get easier for you and your daughter.

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  25. This is such a heart wrenching post. I can't imagine what you are going through. Reading stories like these always manages to bring me back down to reality. I'm engaged and find myself going through the what-ifs when I hear stories like yours. They are so full of pain and sorrow. I don't have any advice or helpful message for you. But I hope things get easier for you. You have been through so much and deserve the world. Keep focused on your daughter the way you have been. She seems to be the only bright light in your life right now, so hold on to her. All my love and prayers sent your way from Green Bay, WI

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  26. *HUGS* Christy.
    I wish you and your beautiful little girl healing, hope, and happiness in 2012.

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  27. Much love to you Christy- I am so sorry for your loss. You have a beautiful daughter and a beautiful heart. I wish you all the best.

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  28. Dear Christy,

    My heart aches for you as I type this through a blur of tears. I wish I could wave a wand and make things as they should be, but...*HUGS*

    I'm amazed at your strength, how you're making it through, breath by breath, minute by minute, day by day - through the unbearable ache, the anger, through all the little moments that bring so much back and make the grief fresh again.

    All I can offer is this: your journey through your grief is unique. Any way it unfolds and any way you choose to meet it is what's right for you. Follow your way and your heart on this journey for all the time that it takes - and it may feel like more of a spiral than anything else, taking you through depths and layers. Let it be what it is and do what you need to do to move through it - as this letter/blog shows you are.

    Your strength, integrity and love shine through this - and I have absolute faith that you will get where you need to be when you - not anyone else - need to be there. Just know that you are held in a circle of love and light bigger than you can imagine.

    And please, if you ever need to talk, vent, cry, whatever, please don't hesitate to get in touch. I mean that.

    And keep on going, one breath at a time.

    Love, healing and prayers,
    Irim

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  29. Dear Christy,

    I am so sorry. Being left in the inertia of a relationship is so painful. I can't even imagine exactly how you feel. Ten years ago a friend who’d lost someone told me then the following when I'd lost my mom:

    "You know how people ask you if you’re ok and you just say yeah you’re ok when you’re really not? Let me tell you - It isn’t ever okay. It isn’t okay that they’re gone. It isn’t okay that you have a hole where they use to live in your soul. You eventually accept it, but it ain’t ever okay. And you go at your own pace. There’s no rules in this. So don’t tell yourself that you need to be feeling this way or that way because time has passed."

    I don’t know if that helps. I know it helped me. It helped with my anger, and let me feel like I was "allowed" to feel whatever was going through my emotions. It eventually gave me the ability to help others in their loss, or times of crisis, so that we all feel a little less alone.

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  30. Christy I am praying that the new year surrounds your heart with love and gladness, that the grief you know disappears and you find peace and strength in love Patrick has left behind for you and Olivia.

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  31. Christy, I am very sorry for your loss. Olivia is a gorgeous little girl and you two look amazing together. If you want to pray and look to God for guidance, you should do it only if you want to. I became a Buddhist and it changed my life, but I never push my beliefs on others. I will chant for you and Olivia (that's how we Buddhists pray). I hope time will ease some of your pain and that 2012 brings you some amazing things--you deserve it!

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  32. Hi Christy, what a difficult time the holidays must be for you. I'm glad you're able to make it a fun and happy time for Olivia. She looks like such a sweet little girl. I hope 2012 is a better year for you both. You're lucky to have each other. Take care.

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  33. Christy, I know how it feels to loose someone so special. This Christmas, I lost my friend Ben Breedlove when he died of cardiac arrest. Just days before, he posted a video on YouTube, where he talked about what he has been through. He has cheated death several times, and each time, he was convinced that there is a God. He shared his beliefs in the video, and that video is all over the place now. You should watch it... It's life changing. None of us wanted Ben to die, but God knew what he was doing. He didn't answer our prayers in the way we had wanted, but he has done something so much better. It takes time, but please trust that some good will come out of this. Nothing in this life is permanent.. The good times always must eventually end, but so does the pain. I will pray for you and Olivia. Blessings to you and your family.

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  34. You are so brave. I wish I had the right words to say to fix things. You are so strong & your love for Olivia is amazing! Thank you for being so honest with your feelings and emotions. I hope and pray that 2012 is your year & that you find faith and comfort in all the places you search for it. You are loved.

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  35. I am so sorry for your loss. May the joy of the life in your daughter bring you the peace you need to keep one foot in front of the other each day. And may you feel God's presence in your life sooner rather than later.

    Warmly,
    April

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  36. Olivia is beautiful.

    You are amazing just for being a person who decides, every day, to keep going. For being a mother who is There, despite how hard it is. For not giving up. I don't know how to say anything that wouldn't cheapen your grief, so I'll just say this: thank you for being the mother that you are. The world needs more of you.

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  37. Christy, I don't really know what to write but the strength of your love for Patrick and Olivia shines like a beacon throughout this blog, and it takes my breath away. Stay strong, God bless x

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  38. What a tragic way to have your year end - I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a spouse and then be a single parent. It is alright to be angry about what has happened .... You also need to find a way to work through the grief so that you don't miss the amazing moments with your daughter. Even though you don't believe in God right now - I will still be praying for you and your family and wish you a good new year! *love bomb*

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  39. Hi there Christy! First of all, Olivia is beautiful. (Just like her mother) :) I am so sorry that your heart is hurting right now. Even though it is hard to believe in God, he is there and he does love you. And so do I, even though we've never met. I'm praying for you and praying that your beautiful heart will be filled with comfort and joy.

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  40. I'm not sure what to say or what comfort a complete stranger can give to you. But, just know that you are surrounded by love - from your family and from strangers. I pray that your daughter gives you some comfort and that she grows up to be a wonderful woman just like her mom.
    <3

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  41. You have a beautiful daughter, and I know she will grow up to be as strong a woman as you clearly are. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. Please know there are so many people out there who care about you and are pulling for you.

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  42. Christy, I won't pretend to comprehend the depths of your grief. What I do know of (my own) grief is that it wants to make you crazy - wants to take your joy away, your excitement, your certainty that there can be a day of FULL UNTAINTED AMAZING BRIGHTNESS. I do believe in God - and a specific God, at that (John 3:16) - and it's kept me alive since He found me. Though I've not met you, I sincerely thank you for your love for Olivia, for your love for Patrick, and for you. I will pray for the two of you this very day.

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  43. Sending you so much love and strength.

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  44. Love and prayers are with you, Christy as you begin a new year. I admire your strength and courage so much. I will add you to my prayer journal and keep you and your family close in my heart. Much love to you and yours.

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  45. There is nothing I can do or say to wipe away your pain and loss, but know that you have my respect; I know that single parenting isn't easy especially when you were expecting to have someone with you at the start of your pregnancy. Your little girl is a precious child, with a beautiful smile. I will keep you in my prayers.

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  46. I'm sending all of my positive vibes your way. Much, much love.

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  47. Christy,

    First let me just say that your daughter is absolutely beautiful. As I read your letter to your husband, I felt angry for you. You're right...he SHOULD be there for all those wonderful parts of life. I am so sorry for your loss, but I admire that you are staying strong for your daughter. I also truly admire that you are still staying true to the bond you shared with your husband by writing to him and keeping him up to date on your life and your daughters life. I'm sure you talk to him all the time and I bet you anything he hears every single word. I wish you all the best in life and just know that there are lots of people praying for you! <3

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  48. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you love and prayers.

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  49. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your bravery and courage in sharing your loss and love with every one of us. You and your daughter are an inspiration. Stay strong.

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  50. You don't know me. I stumbled upon your situation through an acquaintance on facebook after Patrick passed away. However, my parents met Patrick a brief time or two through a mutual friend. I might have too at one time. Every once in awhile I check up on you. It brings me back to reality. When I'm angry at my husband, sad about the fact that I cant stay home with my son, or burnt out with being a full time working mom, I think of you. Your strength helps see me through. It sucks that you have to be that person for other people. I'm sorry that you have to live your every day life like you do. Its just not fair. I would feel the same way as you do about God. I don't understand it either.

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  51. Hi christy. Tonight I am holding you in my heart. And now that you are there, a thought of you will always be there. That is the beauty of "the love bomb."

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  52. My heart goes out to you and Olivia! I'm thinking about you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! I hope you get bombed with love that will help you even if just for a moment!

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  53. My heart goes out to you. You and your daughter are so beautiful and so strong. I hope things start looking up for you both soon.

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  54. Dear Christy and Olivia,
    It must be unimaginably hard to face every new day without your beloved husband and Daddy.You are in the thoughts and prayers of many, hopefully that can give you even the tiniest of hope for the New Year. May you two be strong together and see each other through this life.

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  55. Christy,

    We don't know one another, but I'm sending you a heart full of empathy and support. They say the holidays are the hardest time after a spouse has passed away, and it sounds like that has been true for you. I can hear your struggle not only in your words but between and around them, and it's pulling on my heart for you.

    I also hear your unbelievable strength and courage, and I am completely amazed by what you are able to get up and do each day for Olivia. You are kicking ass, even when you feel like everything is kicking you.

    I'm a recovering Catholic, too, and I know that during really tough times it's hard not to question all of that "faith" we had pounded into us when we were little. Here's my version of the good news: You don't need to believe in god, or "know him", or rely on a faith you're not feeling. If you're feeling it, believe. If you're not, don't. But don't let that Catholic guilt weigh you down and force you into trying to fit into a box with a god you aren't wanting to be around. That might change someday, and it might not. But right now, all that matters is that you're getting out of bed, eating, and enjoying your daughter. Anything beyond that is clearly too much, and that is TOTALLY OKAY.

    You are remarkable, and you're doing it..."it" meaning amazing things. Much love to you!

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  56. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to lose your husband. What I do know, though, is that you are so brave and strong. You may have heard the saying, "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." Even though you may not have much faith in Him right now, I'm praying that God would wrap His arms around you and give you strength, hope, and guidance. Lots of prayers and love for you and Olivia!

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  57. Christy,

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My daughter passed away when she was 4 and I know what you mean when you say that people keep telling you things like "He's in a better place, he is watching over you & Olivia etc." It doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't erase the fact that you still want him back with you and no it's not being selfish. It's ok to be mad at God too. I was for a long time and I lost my faith too but I did get it back. The other statement I'm sure you have heard is "It gets easier with time." My daughter has been gone 13 yrs now and now I can say it gets easier to some degree. I still wish she was here and I get lost in the "what might have been's" but I have to remember that even though I don't understand it or like it everything happens for a reason. I also think it has made me a stronger person. What you are doing with your blog writing letters is a good thing. It's very therapeutic if nothing else. One other thing I'd like to say is I always thought I was put on this earth to take care of my daughter (she had disabilities) and when she was gone I thought I'd lost my purpose in life but it took 11 yrs for me to learn something. I was diagnosed with MS and about a year after that I realized that she was here to teach me how to deal with my disability. Patrick was here for you for a reason. He gave you Olivia and I'd be willing to be that on down the road you will learn more about what he was here for. One day you will see him again. Try to hang in there and be strong. Just take things one day at a time. I've been in similar shoes so maybe what I said might help. I hope & pray that things getting better. You & Olivia together are a wonderful thing and you get to tell her all the wonderful things about her daddy which will help keep his memory alive for you and her. Remember the best thing you can do now is take things one day at a time. ((HUGS))

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  58. Christy,

    You don't know me but I lost my husband (Bill) of 18 years on Christmas Eve last year to leukemia...so I do understand.

    (((((huge hugs)))))

    for you and Olivia

    love,
    Carla

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  59. Christy, how awful. No one should have to go through that. I can totally understand your anger. I'd be angry too. I think that's probably a really healthy way to feel.

    I don't know what you believe, but I don't believe Patrick is missing any of those things. He's right there with you and seeing Olivia grow and change. Of course that doesn't mean she's not missing out, but I do think he knows all that.

    Being a single parent must be one of the hardest jobs there is, especially in that circumstance. You're doing great. Hang in there, and never let go of your dreams.

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  60. dear Christy,

    just reading your blog for the first time today. so much resilience! the just breathe photo is beautiful.

    may 2012 be filled with ease and light and peace for you and your beautiful kiddo. sending love from montreal and a big hug too, gen

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  61. Sounds like times are a bit dark, and they say that love is light... So to help you see during this holiday, forget all the social norms and follow this <3<3<3<3<3<3... I hope it lightens your difficult path and brings you to a sunny place!

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  62. Loss is always hard and sometimes seems impossible to recover from. I know because I have experienced it several times. Anger is apart of dealing with life and though life often seems unfair, it is the greatest adventure we’ll ever have. You have been blessed to know and love Patrick and now have Olivia to love. Jehovah hears, HE, knows and HE understands. It gets easier; you’ll get through it and will understand it better by and by.

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  63. In my darkest hours, I remind myself of the words of Camus: In the midst of winter, I learned that there was in me an invincible spring.

    It is hard to believe sometimes, and the suffering getting to that point of realization is unavoidable. Yet I've seen it in myself -- and I know it's in you, too -- that bedrock of resilience that is at the core of your being.

    I was raised Catholic, too, but have gone on to choose my own beliefs. I believe in goodness and kindness and compassion and taking care of each other. I can't explain anything, and not infrequently feel the bitterness of injustice and resentment. Yet I stubbornly choose to believe in a vague, comforting goodness that unites us all.

    Yes, you ache and will continue to ache. Your life is hard and exhausting. But we are all connected by our caring. I'm sad that you lost your beloved. I am sending you every good wish in the universe.

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  64. Christy,
    I cry for you. Please let God be a part of your life again; He is there whether you acknowledge him or not. For now it can be because of Olivia. Just like you do everything else... for Olivia. One step at a time. Many prayers are going forth on your behalf. He will strengthen you.

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  65. Reading this post made me cry. I cannot imagine the pain and grief that you experience on a daily basis on top of having to go on with work and parenting and everything else. All of that stuff is hard enough without hurting too. I'm just so sorry for your loss and for how much more difficult it must be around the holidays. I wish you strength, peace, and comfort and I'm glad that you have your beautiful Olvia to keep you going. I hope things begin to turn around for you soon.

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  66. Christy-
    I'm carrying you and Olivia in my heart. I'm thinking loving and healing thoughts for you both.
    Much love from Portland, Oregon
    Jenn

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  67. Prayers and thoughts from Kentucky to you and your precious Olivia. Christy may you continue to find the strength to push forward each day toward a better tomorrow bit by bit.

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  68. Christy,

    I'm keeping you and Olivia in my heart, and praying for strength for you both. Your courage is amazing!!

    Hugs and Love from British Columbia, Canada,

    Julie

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  69. May every breath bring you peace and love as you move through this phase of your life.

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  70. It sounds like you are being an amazing mother to Olivia. She is so lucky to have a mom who loves her so much and works so hard to care for her. I wish I could give you a hug.

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  71. Hugs and love to you and your beautiful daughter. <3

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  72. Dear Christy, All that you are experiencing is exactly why it is called grief. All of the peace and comforts that others wish for you and have sent to you in light and prayer, I too send to you in this moment. I understand your feelings about people and their promises about God. It is a hard pill to swallow right now, however, in time, after a substantial time of grieving has passed, I believe that you will begin to see the light of day again, and that all of the prayers of love and light sent to you will begin to lift you up as the uplifting energy that is His way penetrates and permeates that grief that you are expected to feel now. As time passes seemingly slow at first then faster, you will come back up and out of this. Remember even those closest to the Lord who were around him in his direct circle of loved ones, did go through a terrible time of grief and tribulation after his passing and that was in spite of a resurrection. Death is suppose to rock our world and can actually be the catalyst to great and wonderful new beginnings.You might seriously consider filling a small part of your lonely hours in the wee hours of the morning with a nice relaxation tape in your one ear to help encourage a positive thought, while you study a language online at the computer in the other. This is the kind of survival tactic I have employed during some of the most difficult times I could have imagined. It will distract you from your grief for moments at a time at first which is great in small doses, and over time you will be able to transition into using a skill such as this as you play with the baby and teach her to become bi or tr-lingual. Also you will see at the end of this darkened tunnel that you actually achieved something very important to your development in this life and that will feel very good to you as you rise out of your grief(and I promise you that you will). If you find that you just cannot sleep or rest when the baby does or that you are falling too deeply into sadness and want to do nothing, I hope that you will force yourself to at least step outside of the door and walk with the baby and at least one person each day, and again , by the night, color or learn to draw, paint or perform some form of artistic activity such as a craft to help you whittle away the hours until you establish a habitual pattern with your own mind that will direct the thoughts to positive and productive actions each day and night.

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  73. In time you will look forward to these activities and all sorts of relationships can open to you when you are ready. In the meantime, do believe the folks who send you love and light and prayers, for every prayer is heard and answered although it does not always appear to be so at the time. Take five minutes of your alone moments and pray as well for those who have sent you prayers and those who you know in your life who matter to you, send them love and light and well wishes for peace. It is not selfish to pray for ourselves, so do so often. Without action toward the goal of healing and being able to invite joy and love into your life again, it just doesn't come so easily. However, with all of the hope and care being sent your way, I have no doubt that you will surprise yourself and the rest of us with an ability to recover from this loss with the resilience of a shining star. Make this a time that you made something wonderful happen out of the bad. Your husband liked cooking, so create a new recipe in his honor and teach the baby to prepare it when she is old enough. Create a recipe book for her. Do somethings that cause you to look forward to at least one minute of the day and I assure you that the rest of they day will improve. Pay close attention to your dreams now, and write each day in a dream journal. Those who have passed on do communicate with us easiest through dreams and I believe you will receive solace and comfort you may have never imagined before. My heart and hopes are with you and your family during this very difficult transition. Try to remember that your husband left when he was suppose to no matter the circumstances. He wrote this in his chart in life experiences and you signed on in the spirit world long before this time. So make the most of this opportunity to grow and develop in the best ways. It was clearly your intention to continue on after him, so do a good job with it. Your daughter has a strong and good-heart-ed mother to model her life after.Take a few moments and imagine what you will want to see when you look back on this time. Imagine that you are ten years in advance of this time, and that you are telling someone of the most amazing experiences that you had in spite of the trying circumstances. Let your fantasies go wild with the ability to imagine love and life and joy, and don't allow guilt to creep in for one minute. Treat yourself the way that you would want others to treat you and your daughter. I pray that you are able to release the necessity to grieve quickly, and be all and do all that you can set your goals on in life. Very best wishes, and do intend to have a wonderful new year. Blessings, Laura.

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  74. I wish I had words that could make this time easier or make everything better. I don't. All I can send you is love and gratitude for your ability to write such beautiful words. May all your days be filled with at least as much beauty as pain.

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  75. Hi Christy,

    I have read some of your blog and my heart has broken for you. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am grateful for how much of your husband you see in your daughgter. How wonderful it will be for her to realize one day that he has given her some of the things that make her such a blessing in your life. I have no doubt he will show his presence to you in your unborn baby.

    My thoughts and paryers are with you and your family.

    <3,
    Lisa

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  76. I hate that you are living this today. I hate that there is no way to get rid of this for you. I know that you need to be this angry. I know that you deserve to feel this way. What I can offer you is my thoughts and a little good vibes sent your way when I think about you. I wish for you to once again find joy.

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  77. Christy, I am so sorry for your loss and I am praying for you to have peace during this difficult time! Give baby O a big hug for me and know that I will keep you both in my prayers! Happy New Year to you dear heart!!
    Love ya.......mean it!!
    Charlotte :) :)

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  78. Hi Christy,

    Your strength is inspiring. I hope the universe does shift in 2012 and brings you the peace and healing you deserve. May the love you have for your family be returned to you many times over.

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  79. So sorry to hear about your loss and the grief you are experiencing this holiday season. It's never an easy time when you miss the ones you love. I wish you and your daughter all the best in 2012 and hope that the pain will ease with time.

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  80. Christy,
    I can feel your pain as I read your words. Your strength and resolve to be a great mom despite your heartbreak is incredible. It's okay to be angry and ask God questions. It's okay to say that you can't find your faith. I noticed that your blog is titled "Bless This Family". I can promise you that He has His hand on you and Olivia. Please know that there are so many people thinking of you and praying for you. Let your family and friends love on you and comfort you. And when you are alone, reach out to God and let Him love on you too. I will keep you and your precious O in my thoughts and prayer.
    ~Erin

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  81. Hang in there Christy. You're never alone.

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  82. Dear Christy,
    I was brought to your blog by love bomb and couldn't just read your latest entry. I've spent the evening ready back to your first entry and sharing details of you and Olivia and Patrick with my husband. You have created a written portrait of your husband that makes me feel like I've caught a good glimpse into the life of a kind man. The kind of man the world needs more of, many many more! He possessed characteristics that I wish my own husband had; an enthusiasm for Christmas and thanksgiving, the desire and ability to choose special gifts, to write his feelings in poetic form...you had it, you had him and for that I am so so happy for you. Your story reminds me of the 9.11 families who lost their spouse while pregnant and the unbearable sense of loss...I am always torn up by the fact that these men couldn't hold their precious children or beloved wife.
    Christy I wish I had a profound thought or a way to heal you or bring back Patrick. I truly hope this new year brings you some relief, more smiles with family and friends.

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  83. Christy,
    I just want to say that it's OK if you can't put a smile on every day. It is OK to be angry. You deserve time to grieve, and there is no right way to do that. Take all the time you need. It is OK.
    <3 Jessica

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  84. Can't imagine your pain, but I want you to know that you are not alone. God is with you- I believe this and I am praying that you will feel His presence. You have amazing courage and love. I can see it in your words here. Blessing to you and precious Olivia.

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  85. Praying for you and your beautiful little one. May you know you are never alone.

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  86. There are so many things that one could say to someone who has experienced such a great loss, yet I am at a loss for words because I honestly can't imagine the great sorrow you must be facing. I am praying for you today. I know your faith is shaken to the core, and I know you wish you could believe. I know it's hard to feel Him and see His hand in all of this. I pray that He will reveal Himself to you in a very real and tangible way. I also pray that He will ease the burden of being a single mom - which is one of the hardest jobs in all the world. I pray He'll send people your way to encourage and strengthen you, bless you and help you. Most of all, I just pray that He will be a comfort to you.

    Your little Olivia is just the most beautiful sweetest thing ever. I wish I could just reach through the screen and hug her. :) You're a great mommy. Be encouraged today. You have so many people thinking of you and praying for you - who are there for you. Who love you.

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  87. This is my first time to your blog and my heart is breaking for you. I pray peace and comfort over your soul. And I pray the God will show you somehow just how much he loves you and wants to help you get through this.

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  88. Christy, I was so sorry to hear of your loss and sadness. I totally understand your feelings of how your faith in God has been destroyed by events in your life. Life is so unfair and it is sometimes difficult to see the point in it. We do not know why things happen as they do. I know it sucks people telling you how you should feel, especially to have faith. There are precious things in your life, especially your daughter. It is almost as though your husband had given you her as a gift before his passing, and what a blessing she is, giving you a reason to face the day. Also how good to have had such a wonderful man in your life, even for a short amount of time. I am thinking of you, with love, from Celia in New Zealand

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  89. There are times when we actually are angry at God and are so mad at him that we tell him we do not believe him any more! I wonder if Jesus on the cross could have thought in his heart, "Now see what your will looks like - so this is it -- well I really don't like it at all! No he did not say or think those things, He knew there was a reason for it all. I wish I could give you answeres as to why your Patrick did not make it through his surgery and illness. The Bible says that the secret things belong to God and we will get those answers when we meet him face to face. You have a child who needs you and loving friends and family to give you support. Breathe a short pray to God and just ask Him to show himself REAL to you. Not a big show, just a simple breath of a prayer. Then wait and see how the next days, week and months go for you. May 2012 be a good year for you my dear.
    Love, Hazel

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  90. Christy,
    You are such a strong and wonderful person. I know that it may seem that life (and possibly God) has taken everything from you, but I promise you that not all is lost. The things you are facing just prove what a brave and giving person you are. God has a plan for everything in your life. I know how dark the world seems and how absent God seems to be in difficult times, but He is there, watching and taking care of you. As a Catholic myself, I ask you to delve into your faith, question it,and search for the truth. It may seem that life is too impossible, or hard, to manage on your own - and it is. You just need to remember that God, friends, and family are always surrounding you and supporting you in every single way. I hope you feel their loving arms around you as you struggle through this time. The hurt doesn't go away completely, but that's how we keep our loved ones close, I believe. Patrick will always be with you, and I guarantee that he is watching over you from Heaven. Sending prayers and love your way. x

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  91. Dear Christy,

    I sobbed for a few minutes after reading your entry. The raw honest pain & grief that you feel intertwined with the joy of having Olivia with you..it leaps at me through the text.

    You are amazing to have come this far. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you as they should have, but I know things will get better, slowly but surely.

    It's not gonna be sunshine and butterflies all the way but hang in there okay? One day at a time, one step at a time...you'll get there.

    Please know that you are not alone... today especially, lotsa people around the world are sending you their thoughts and love today.

    So am I! You are in my thoughts & prayers.

    Be well Christy. Praying that 2012 will be better than ever for you.

    Love,
    Gloria

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  92. Lloyd and Bonnie R. from Carmichael, CaliforniaDecember 30, 2011 at 12:51 AM

    Dear precious Christy,
    Our son died by drowning at 37 and left a lovely wife and three beautiful children. Even though we lost Steven we can't say we know exactly how you feel because only you know that. But we know you have a huge hole in your heart and we are praying for healing there. We had two choices, we could either be bitter at God or better for Him. We chose to be better for Him. Christy, it took time, but we are more in love with Jesus and with life than ever before. But Christy, words don't help right now. What you need now is love, listening ears, and lots of hugs. We love you and pray for you.

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  93. Love your baby, and take care of yourself. Lots of love to you both.

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  94. My heart goes out to you, and know that you will never be alone.

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  95. What a wonderful letter to your husband. I am crying typing this. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. You are a strong lady for going thru what you are going thru. To read your pain and how you are attempting to make each day count for your child is breathtakingly real. I have never been in your situation but I do believe you will make it with time, support and love from those around you. Reach out to your family and friends and let them be your support. Tell them want you need, ask for help, it is okay to need and want a little help. It is okay to scream and cry and rage at the world but do what you are doing which is pick yourself up each day and try your best to get thru it and slowly you will find the joy again. I am a stranger to you but I will be praying and sending positive thoughts your way.

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  96. Thinking of you and your family, and sending much love and strength to you.

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  97. Have you ever seen a palm tree in the midst of a great storm? That tree may be bent so far over that it’s almost touching the ground, but when the wind finally stops, that palm tree bounces right back up. What’s interesting is that while that palm tree is hunched over under the pressure of the storm, it is actually growing stronger?

    The reason God said we’d flourish like a palm tree is because He knew there would be difficult times. He knew things would come against us to try to steal our joy and victory. God said, “You’re going to be like a palm tree because when the storms of life blow, you are going to come right back up stronger than before.” Nothing can hold you back! No weapon formed against you will prosper.

    As you reflect on the events over the last year, remember, the storms you have encountered have only made you stronger. You are wiser, you are more alive, and you are headed for victory. You’re brightest days are right out in front of you! Always remember that with God on your side, nothing can hold you back!

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  98. This is my first time visiting your blog. Oh, sweet girl, my heart breaks for you. You are stronger than you realize and that comes out in your words to Patrick. I don't want to fill you with platitudes, but the truth is that God really does love you, through His Son, Jesus. He knows your pain and sees your tears, even when it seems exactly the opposite. Lean hard on Him, friend. He is able to make beauty out of these ashes.

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  99. My heart aches for you and your family. This is my first Christmas without my dad, and it has been far more painful than I thought it could be. But at least losing my 80-year-old father made some sense; people don't liver forever. But losing your husband when you have just started life as a mom... that seems outside of the natural order of things.

    At points in my life I've found that my grief consisted of anger. I think it's a natural and necessary part of the grieving process. I've already - literally - cursed at God. I now believe he listened and loved me even as I poured out my anger at him. But the journey to faith in God and trust in him was a difficult one.

    When you're ready, just open your mind to the possibility that he exists and has been helping you behind the scenes even during the times when anguish seemed to overwhelm you. If you acknowledge that possibility, you may find him. But this is not the time.

    In the meanwhile, I will believe on your behalf. I will pray to him for you and Olivia.

    May 2012 be filled with blessings for you...

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  100. Thank you for posting this letter. It made me cry and the pictures of your beautiful daughter made me smile. It made me sad for you because I can imagine my life without my husband, and it's a lost and lonely place in my imagination. I could tell you here that God does love you. And He does. But since I am a stranger to you and you are staring down the hardest days, simply writing that probably won't mean anything to you. So I will tell you this: God's love leaves footprints. Not always the ones we are looking for or hope to find (like your husband's recovery and long life with you and your daughter), but the evidence is there, I promise. Maybe it's in your daughter's smile, or a phone call from a friend just when you've reached the end of what you can do alone in that moment. Maybe it's just in a good night's peaceful sleep. Those footprints may be hard for you to see. Even if you look really hard you may only see the faint outline of a few right now. But He really is there. He really does want to bless you and love you. And have you know that those things come from Him. I could tell you that I will pray for you to see those footprints and for you to know the love of a God who sacrificed Himself just so you wouldn't have to spend a day alone (which I will), but I know that may be little comfort for you. So, just know, that I am standing in one of His footprints now. A stranger who nonetheless will pray fervently and earnestly for you to know how much you are loved. And for you to see the footprints of His love all over your life today.

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  101. Sending you good thoughts and peace this holiday season.

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  102. Thinking of you and hoping things get a little easier. You are doing a fine job.

    --Donna

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  103. Christy,
    I couldn't imagine losing the love of my life. The fact that you're able to function at all shows how much strength and determination you have within you. Hang in there... love your baby girl, love yourself and continue to breathe.

    ~lovebomber Jess

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  104. You dear precious lady. My heart grieves for you. I cannot imagine what you go through daily. But from your letter to your husband you show great strength and character. Those are important in getting through the day to day madness of life. I know you are angry with God and no one can blame you. But He is there behind the scenes just waiting for you to ask for His help. I know it is hard to understand why He allows us to go through what we do and we will never know His reasons. We must maintain our faith and strength and lean on him to help us through. My prayers go out to you as you learn to adjust to this new life and new path he has laid out for you. I know it is hard and is a daily struggle, but I admire you for your strength in going forward the way you are and cherishing every moment of that beloved child you were blessed with. You will always have a little piece of your husband living inside that beautiful little girl.

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  105. I can't even begin to say that I know how you feel but this post brought me to tears. Because as a young girl of an alcoholic bi-polar mother and an absent father, I cried myself to sleep in a stream of questions to God about why I was alone in the world to fend for myself. And slowly, those questions began a conversation and I started to notice that He was answering and the answers changed the way I see. I pray that for you. That your pain in the questions would begin a conversation that blooms into a loving relationship with eyes to see that Jesus has been there with you all along. Praying for you today.

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  106. 12 is a great number. The universe is definitely going to shift for you.

    I'm sending you my thoughts. I'm in awe of your bravery.

    I'll be thinking of you. And reading your blog.

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  107. Oh Christy, I can feel your pain through your words and there is nothing I can say to adequately express my sorrow for your loss.

    As your beautiful daughter learns and grows, she will come to know through you the love that her Daddy had for her.

    I understand your feelings on faith, I really do. I hope, though, that you will allow me to pray for you and your family. I pray that you know strength, love and some kind of peace to get you through the worst days. I pray that some of these obstacles will be cleared from your path. I pray that you will develop new dreams, and have the chance to see them fulfilled.

    Sending love to you and Olivia from across the ocean - you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that you are not facing the future alone.

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  108. You & your daughter are so beautiful.

    So much love coming to you right now, and I would like to say how strong you are for choosing not to focus on the negative. That is not an easy thing to do but you are doing it and that is a wonderful thing. Olivia is blessed that you are her mother.

    I'm praying that you will come to know that God really is there and He really does love you. So, so much. Faith is not a promise that life will be easy from now on; it's a promise that we are never alone when it's hard, and that there is always hope. I pray that you will be comforted.

    So much love to you x x

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  109. You have probably had people tell you they understand how you feel and if I were you I would want to strangle them. I do know though how alone you feel right now. I lost my husband Erich suddenly when I had a two year old and a 3 month old and that first Christmas just stunk. I had friends who put up the tree because I just couldn't do it. I will tell you it gets better-but not every day, you will not get over losing him, but you can get through it. As to faith-mine has sustained me-but not without me having a fair share of anger towards God. I believe God can handle the very human me-and however your spiritual self finds comfort I will pray for you to be surrounded by people who support you and give you unconditional room to be exactly where you are in your grief. patti

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  110. All I can do is cry and pray for you! I pray for you to have another lover in God's timing.

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  111. Oh Christy, my heart goes out to you and your precious daughter. I can't pretend to know what you are going through. But I do know that you can find comfort in the Lord. You may never understand why your husband left this world. But you can always rest in God's arms. He is there waiting to comfort you. You are in my prayers.

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  112. Christy,
    I was sent to this post via a friend who was touched by your story as I have been touched also by reading this post. I am so very sorry for your loss and the struggles you face daily. Your letter here to your late husband is so beautiful and heartbreaking. I can only imagine what life would be like without my husband. It's unimaginable and it's reality for you. You are a strong woman and Olivia is a beautiful gift to keep you going. I don't know you, but will keep you in my prayers that you will be able to feel God's love, peace, and mercy through your heartache, joy, struggles, peace, sadness, and smiles!

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  113. Christy,
    I am sure this has already been said; Patrick is with you. Every where you are he is there. He sees Olivia smile, laugh, walk and fall. He is beside her at all times. He is inside her protecting her; helping you to overcome the lose that wascreated when his physical being went away. I am not a church lady, but truly believe ithat there is a GODD and that for everything that happens, there is a reason; and a reason for everything that happens. It is up to us to find tat reason. The reason may not be unfolded today, but eventually, we figure out the reason and then it is clear as day! You are strong and have family and friends to love and support you and Olivia.
    GOD Bless you and your family!

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  114. Olivia is beautiful. She is in one of those magic ages, when she everything is new and delight just around the next corner.

    I know you are lonely. Please let me tell you a story. My husband had cancer two years ago and I prayed that God would let him live. As I watched his painful struggle, he told me that he wouldn't mind if God would take him home. 'OK, fine,' I thought. 'Fine for you. What about me?' And I prayed and prayed.

    That was when I learned that God was God. He already knew what He was going to do with Dave, but He also already knew what He was going to do with me. I learned from Him that I was married to Dave, but that God was my husband. I learned that I had to trust Him no matter what He did. No matter what, whether I understood it or not. Whether He answered my prayer or not.

    We don't get to see the end from the middle, and we are both in the middle. Turning our backs on God does not mean He goes away. He's still there, still working. Sometimes the road is lonely, but I found then that as I walked down that long dark tunnel alone, Christ was already there, waiting for me.

    Bless you, girl, as you find your way.

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  115. Hi Christy,

    I have nothing to offer you but to tell you that you are loved at the four corners of the earth now and always, and that I'm sorry you and your beautiful little girl are having to fight through such sadness. I'm sending my love to you from Indiana, so please know you'll be in my heart!

    Angie

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  116. Christy:

    I don't have adequate words that would bring you any comfort. My heart goes out to you in your pain and sorrow. I appreciate the honesty of your post - baring your feelings. And you know, that is what God would want you to do. He knows our thoughts and our words before we ever speak them and even though you don't feel it now, He is loving and compassionate.

    I can't beging to understand why things happen the way they do...a child with cancer or taken at a young age. A husband or wife dying young and leaving behind a family. But someone once said, "when you can't trace God's hand, trust His heart." He is there, He loves you, and I pray that someday you will realize that and find comfort in His loving arms.

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  117. Keeping u & ur sweet girl in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, may 2012 bless u richly. xo

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  118. I can't begin to imagine what you go through day to day. I am sorry for you and your family's loss. Standing with you and praying for you all.

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  119. Dear Christy,
    God will never leave us nor forsake us. Even His own Son felt forsaken as He died on the cross to pay for all our sins, because His holy Father could not look st the sin His Son willingly took on Himself so that we could be forgiven and have eternal life with Him.

    We lost our pastor, a vibrant, caring man of God, to lung cancer at age 40. He left behind a beautiful wife, 2 handsome young boys, and a baby on the way. Our church and community prayed for him to be healed, and he was, not in the earthly healing we had prayed for, but in the perfect healing reached only in God's eternal presence.

    Sometimes God answers prayers "No, because I have something better for you." That is impossible for us to understand at the time, but when we see Him face to face, it will all become clear.

    The suffering all went through regarding our pastor cannot be measured, as I am sure is the case for you and your family and loved ones. Our pastor is in Jesus' arms, with no pain, sickness, or suffering. Our church knit even more tightly together as we prayed for our psstor and for unity after his death, and now we are blessed to be led by another great man of God and his family. The late pastor's wife remarried and 2 families were united in a new bond of love. She wrote a book and has traveled widely speaking of their experience and God's faithfulness, and countless souls were led to the Lord because of the late pastor's journal, testimony, and love for the Lord even in times of extreme suffering and heartache.

    My prayers are with you and your precious family to experience God's love, comfort and provision in miraculous ways we cannot even begin to understand.

    Love and prayers,
    Laurie Collett, Saved by Grace
    http://savedbygracebiblestudy.blogspot.com/

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  120. Christy, I am inspired by your strength. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. It's okay to question your faith. You have very normal questions about God. And it's okay to not be okay. Being a single mom is so hard and exhausting. And it's great that you write out your feelings to your husband. Your daughter is so blessed to have you in her life. Your love is all she needs.

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  121. I fully appreciate your honesty as you write about your real life and the grieving that is inside of it.

    I want you to know that you aren't alone in your journey of questioning the goodness of God. I have been there at times, too.

    I am praying for you.

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  122. You are a wonderful woman. Olivia is adorable and I'm sure 2012 will be a great year for both of you. Stay strong! <3

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  123. We try to understand the way God works with our own feeble carnality ... we cannot do it ..God is so much more than our emotions, anger, thoughts, and suffering! You are so correct the words of comfort from those that care does not take the pain away, nor will it erase any memory of your sweet husband. I have lost a husband and a son...first the son, now over 15 yrs and husband now over 7 years! I was never angry with the Lord for the loss of two precious vital parts of who I was as a person...but the loneliness and the longings for these two people are still with me today....I look back and when the seasons of time change, when the day turns to night, when the sun is covered by massive gray clouds....I look within and find these two people I love so much...they have never truly left me....just their physical being has departed....Life and Death are a part of life ...God has purposed both! We do not know what your husband or mine, or my son was spared by their deaths....I Thess 5:18 tells us to give thanks....so surely there is a Holy Divine Purpose for their lives to end so early...my son was but 22...my husband was but 47 years old .... to reject the true source of peace is a fatal mistake ..for you and your daughter....because we cannot understand doesn't mean God has been cruel...we just have limited eyesight....to the plans and purposes of God...
    We must understand that from the beginning there was a plan for each life that entered upon earth before we became a part of that life....the love that you and your husband shared was a blessing and such an awesome gift and you have your beautiful daughter as a testement of that love ... many are left with only a memory or a picture....God gave you a living portion of your husband ....for that He deserves to be Praised and Adored.... you can keep your husband alive and with you each day with your daughter as you speak of him in loving ways, laughter the sharing of funny times....this is how I visit with my son, husband...I talk to them, and I put flowers on their gravesite, I visit them within me.....funny things .... serious things...Gone but never forgotten....They both live abundantly within my heart...yes I still cry and miss them in the physical form but I know without a doubt one day in the Pefect Plans of God we all shall be reunited! And you shall too! Don't allow the pain and suffering of this life to rob you of your joy and peace that is promised!

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  124. It gets better. Hold onto that.
    <3

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  125. I hope the new year brings you joy and continued strength.

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  126. Praying for you as you process the unthinkable day by day.

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  127. Praying for you. I can't even imagine your pain. You are thought of and loved more than you'll ever truly know. God is there and He is present. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful.

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  128. You are so blessed to have such a beautiful child as Olivia. I wish peace of mind for you and a better 2012.

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  129. My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry you're hurting. God doesn't answer our prayers the way we think He should. His ways are far above ours. However, He is always with us, walking through those dark hours of heartache with us, offering us His peace, comfort, and love. Am praying for you, dear one. May the Lord bless you with a special touch of His presence.

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  130. I cannot imagine the pain you have endured. It sounds like more than any heart could take. My prayers are with you, and it is ok to get angry. It is ok to feel what you feel. Just know that God does not take offense and he will not go away when you take things out on him. He will just be sad, and his heart will break for you. He loves you as much as you love Olivia, even more. Keep talking to him, even when you think he isn't listening because he is. I pray that you will feel his loving arms around you, holding you as you grieve.

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  131. My heart goes out to you. May you be strengthened by the outpouring of love here. You're in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUG))

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  132. What an incredibly awful thing to go through. I hope that 2012 will indeed be a great year for you, and that you'll be able to channel your sadness into energy for a happy path forward with your daughter. Happy New Year.

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  133. Nobody should ever had to know the grief that you are going through right now. Just now that you are in so many people's thoughts right now. All you can do is just stay strong, fight through this tough time and know that there will be a better time. For you and your daughter.

    Stay strong. For yourself. For your daughter.

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  134. Your story takes my breath away. What an incredible dichotomy - the loss of your husband and the birth of your child. Such incredible grief and joy all rolled into one. I will be thinking of you and your sweet Olivia, hoping and praying that your New Year - 2012 - is as amazing as you hope it will be. Bless you!

    Hugs and love from a LoveBombing stranger,

    Erin

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  135. I hope it helps to know that the hearts of so many strangers are genuinely and sincerely with you.

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  136. I don't know you, and I don't really know what to say, but I hope you realize how strong you really are. I can't imagine experiencing what you are going through, but reading your story, I can see the courage you face each day with. We all have moments of doubt and experiences that try our faith, but don't lose faith in yourself and in the worth have.

    I hope this New Year brings renewed strength to you and your loved ones!

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  137. Hi, Christy:
    My heart goes out to you. The holidays are so hard when you are already carrying a burden of loneliness and sadness and caring for your beautiful little girl by yourself. I'm praying for you and asking God to comfort you as only He can. May you feel His love and peace in great measure as you begin a new year. I'm thinking of Jesus' words in Matt 11:30 where He says to come to Him all who are weary and heavily laden and He will give them rest. Praying that you can receive His rest today.

    Lots of hugs,
    Mary

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  138. Christy,

    Speaking from a place of my own brokenness, loss and disappointment I join you on the couch for a large glass of wine. I hear your sadness, fear, anger and loneliness. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Where is the justice in that? I have no answers am only offering a bit of understanding, compassion and mercy for you on your journey, though so difficult right now. Life seems interrupted and arrested while you're forced to be someone you never intended on being. I know God seems far. I know that anger obliterates faith in the face of so much tragedy, but God doesn't move. He is good and he has good plans for you. He weeps with you through all the people in your life that love you. He is present. And I suggest you rage with Him. Tell him how angry you are - yell, scream, and cry - get it out of your heart, mind and body. Tell him its not fair. Tell him how exactly it sucks beyond measure. He can take it. He wants to. I pray that in 2012 you get back to the authentic you or at least start to find her again. I pray that you can begin to see a new road for you and Olivia one of hope and peace. Overall know that you are so courageous, beautiful and amazing. You are not alone. You are being held up even by strangers with good thoughts, good prayers, and good energy. It's not hopeless. It's not the end. It's not over for you and Olivia. There is more. There is good coming. There is going to be breakthrough for you two this year as you move forward and as you do just as your tatoo says - just breathe.

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  139. Christy, please know I am sending you and Olivia good thoughts and prayers. I was so touched by your struggle with your Faith and well understand where you are coming from. I have been through many difficult times in my life, and like you, wondered where was/is God in all of this? At this point in my life I can tell you that God is there. The disconnect we feel is because the story of the particular event(s) that has happened in our life has yet to be finished. It's like reading one chapter in a book. Sometimes it takes years - maybe a lifetime - to see how things came about to make certain wonderful things happen. The only sense I can make as to why some things have to be SO difficult sometimes is that it does make us more compassionate. You won't feel that now - you're hurting too much and that's all fine. But there will be a time when you - and only you will be able to help someone else only because of the experiences that you've had. Be gentle with yourself and don't worry about God not being there for you or you not finding God. He/It is always present, in us, around us, everywhere. Keep writing, keep being honest about how you feel, keep loving Olivia and know that there's another happier chapter of your life's story that's only a page turn away.

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  140. This is one of the most heart wrenching things I've ever read. It makes me sad that the longest replies are trying to convince you that god loves you. That's not what you need to be told.
    People love you, your daughter loves you and these people will be with you til things look up for the better. You are strong and you will survive. You don't need god for that.
    What gives me hope is how clear and strong and beautiful your love for your husband is. Love is an amazing thing. It tears you apart but it puts you back together too.
    I know there is nothing I can say to make things better except don't let people tell you that you're doing things the wrong way.
    Sending so much love and positive thoughts from England. xxxxxxxxxx

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  141. I think you are very brave and that you are doing great things for you and your daughter. Your love for Olivia will help you to carry on and you'll see that little by little you will enjoy life again. Don't worry about your faith. God is always there, taking care of you and Olivia.
    Sending love and my prayers from Mexico

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  142. Christy:
    I wish you nothing more than peace, tranquility and love in what will surely be a wonderful year for you.

    It has to be. Your favorite number is 12.

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  143. Dear Christy,
    I can only imagine all the pain you have gone through, and it breaks my heart to read what you've written. I don't know you personally, but I can tell you have such a dedicated love for your late husband, and I admire that about you. Looking at the pictures, you have a very beautiful daughter, and I know when she is old enough to fully understand all you went through to help her start her life well, she will be so very thankful. She will be so proud to have you as her mother. Then I saw the picture of you and her together. I see such a confident smile from you, and the two of you together just glow. I admire how hard you try for your daughter, every single day. I can only imagine how hard it must be to live that life. I want you to know that no matter how lonely you may be, you are never alone. You will always have support, even if it's from random strangers, like me. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Stay strong. :)

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  144. Dear Christy and Olivia,

    What a beautiful family you are! I am so sorry for your loss and can't begin to imagine what it feels like. But I am sure that your husband and Daddy is so proud of you two!Please know that there are so many people who care about you. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless.

    Angiexx

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  145. I just asked God to send you extra comfort and peace today. Found you through Bloggy Moms Bloggy Love.

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  146. Dear Christy,

    I am praying for you. I actually read this blog post about a week ago and it has taken me this long to try and figure out what to write. I wasn't able to stop thinking about you and Olivia. I am praying that many more of your dreams will come true. I'm praying that God carries you both through this time, and that while your heart has been painfully stretched through sorrow, that it may also be stretched open to receive ever more love and joy and peace.

    You are doing an amazing job with Olivia. I know this isn't what you imagined, and my heart breaks for you, but I know that your life still has plenty more in store for you.

    Look after yourself. God Bless x x x

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  147. We're all here for you and Olivia.

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  148. Christy,

    I want so much to have the right words to help ease your sense of suffering and aloneness, but I am pulled in too many different directions. Do I comment on the obviously deep and satisfying love and connection you and Patrick shared? Do I reflect how brave and strong you are to communicate openly about your struggles and feelings of pain, overwhelm, hopelessness? Do I tell you that it is clear to me Olivia has wonderful mother and role model in her life? Maybe what I really want to say is thank you. Thank you for telling your story, being authentic and vulnerable, and allowing those who are touched by your story to support you in what ever way we can, however imperfectly it might be.

    For my part, I will be sending thoughts of you and Olivia sharing a lot of laughter together this year.

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  149. Sometimes grief is like a wall which is too high for you to get over, but every day you take one of those bricks away, until one day that wall will be low enough for yo to jump over.

    You're doing a great job with Olivia, that's one happy little girl!
    xxx

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  150. I don't know how you get through something like this, but all I know is that you do. One day at a time, one step at a time or one breath at a time. Whatever you can focus on. And know that strangers everywhere have you in their thoughts and are wishing you only easier times to come.

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  151. <3 Love to you and your family.

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