Sunday, July 21, 2013

1,096 Days

Dear Patrick,

      It has been 1,096 days since you left us.  In some ways it seems like a life time ago and other days it seems just like yesterday.  A lot has  happened in 3 years.  Olivia was born and is growing into a beautiful girl. Our friends have gotten married and had kids.  New songs have come out that you would have loved.  I've been to Pearl Jam concerts.  You've missed our Sunday night dinners with family.  You've missed our celebrations and holidays.  We have a new house and a different car.  I gave your car to someone who needed it.  You've missed 3 birthdays.  So many other things.  But most of all, you've been missed as a dad, husband, brother, son, son-in-law, brother-in-law, nephew, cousin and friend. 

     My life was forever changed at 12:40 a.m. on July 22nd, 2010.  Watching the heart surgeon make his way into the waiting room.  I knew.  I knew by the look on his face and my stomach dropped.  My heart sank.  I was no longer your wife.  I was a widow 6 months pregnant and on my own.  I think of you every time Olivia does or says something.  You would love it.  She talks about you all the time.  She says you're at work.  She knows what your things are and I didn't even tell her.  I don't know how she knows.  She has your humor.  She has your heart.  She loves everyone so much like you did.  People talk about you all the time and how you had such a positive impact on them.  You were such a giving person that helped everyone you came across.  In the time that you needed help the most in that operating room, you couldn't get it.  We've never had it "good" as people say.  Always a string of bad luck.  Sorry to say, but it has continued and I have to just laugh every time. 

     I miss wearing the engagement and wedding ring you gave me.  I miss you kissing me on the forehead.  I miss you yelling every time it snowed and the snow blower

wouldn't start.  I miss you watching Penn State and Bears games.  I miss you rubbing my feet.  I miss holding your hand.  I miss getting lost in the car, even with a GPS.  I miss you telling funny stories with guys.  I miss buying you things.  I miss your cooking.  I miss your hugs.  I miss laying next to you.  I miss your creative and fun gifts.  I miss seeing your passion in Advertising, music, movies and being a better person.  I miss your positive attitude.  I miss seeing you sit in your chair and falling asleep.  I miss your clothes on the floor or leftover dishes on the table.  I miss your Star Wars marathons.  I miss laughing with you at Family Guy.  I miss watching our shows together.  I miss going on errands with you.  I miss having you there for me when I needed it most.  I miss seeing your happy face.  I miss you.  I miss you more than anything in the world.  I know you're here watching over us.  We talk to you all the time.  I know you're protecting us.

     Today I started crying while laying by Olivia watching TV.  She laid next to me and said, "You ok?  It's ok  momma.  Don't cry.  It's ok."  Then she hugged my and started patting my back.  She asked why I was crying and I said that I missed you and I wanted you here.  She got off the bed right away and said she'd go find you. She searched all over the house and came back in the room.  "I couldn't find daddy.  He's at work." 

     To have you walk in the door just one more time.  To be with you for 5 more minutes.  To ask you a million questions.  If I had another 3 years with you, I'd spend every waking minute with you.  Our time together was too short.  Your time on earth was too short.  You were meant to do greater things and didn't get the chance.

     I miss you.  I love you with all my heart.  Keep a watchful eye over us.  We need it.


            Love Always,

               Christy and Olivia

Tomorrow will be a difficult day.  I don't mind messages and reaching out to me.  I probably won't answer your call.  I have a busy day at work tomorrow, which will help me stay occupied.  I need the day to reflect, spend time with Olivia and be alone.  I know people want to be there for me, hug me etc, but on days like that, I need some space, too.  Thank you.

I'll leave you with some happy memories...