First it was my sister's wedding. Yes, it was beautiful and we had a great time...don't get me wrong. It was a perfect day. It's just that I was there alone. No husband, boyfriend or date. Everyone had someone. I was alone.
Then it was Olivia's birthday. No husband or father there to help me celebrate her special day. I just went to work and came home after dinner. It should have been a fun day for her.
Then it was/would have been my 3 year wedding anniversary. That was a hard day. I have now had more wedding anniversaries without him than I did with him. Also that day, I was told I was needed to go back and do external recruiting. As you know for the past 6 months, I've been doing all Internal Talent Management and loving it. And yes, this was told to me on my wedding anniversary. That day got harder for me. I didn't have Patrick to go home to and have him comfort me.
Then it was Olivia's big birthday bash. It was a fun time had by all. But Patrick wasn't there and I was really missing him.
Then I let a friend go. Someone I've know for many, many years. Love dearly. It isn't a good time for me to have this person and this way in my life. Hopefully some day things will change. I miss this person. Lots.
Then it was Thanksgiving. Patrick's favorite holiday. He wasn't there for the 2nd year in a row. I missed him even more.
Then my best friend's mom passed away. She was a fun, loving and caring person. She was my 2nd mom. She will be missed.
Everyone thinks that grieving only takes a little while. Yes, things get "less hard" as time goes by, but the little moments get harder.
It hasn't even been 18 months for me and it's still a struggle. Every day. There is an anniversary to something every month of the year. You don't seem to get a break from that. That means there is always something you are anxious about having pass by with no break downs. You try to do things that make you happy. Surround yourself with positive people. But when those happy things are crushed or taken away from you, it's five more steps backwards. And yes, things seem worse to someone while they are grieving.
No matter how good of a person you are, you pay your bills on time, you're a good mother, great employee, thoughtful and caring friend...you still get shit on. I try to look at the positive in everything. But when you have more bad happen to you than good, sometimes you have no choice but to break down. I've thought about being a bad employee, bad friend and not a good person. I wonder if it would change things for the better in my life. That thought lasted only a few seconds and I changed it right back. I just couldn't do it. I don't know how people are able to be that way and be happy with themselves. Maybe because they get out of things or get what they want all the time. They just don't realize that their actions that may benefit them, may negatively affect others. And lately I've been on that end.
Yes, I will say it. I've had a lot of crappy things happen in my life. Most of which I can't remember, but in the last few years, I remember most of them. They definitely out weigh the good, which is really too bad. I'm just hoping that God sees that I've paid my dues. Done my time. Suffered enough. When will the good stuff start happening? I have faith that it will. Just really hoping that it does happen. And soon.
I was told by my very first boss, James, that you don't have bad days. You have bad moments in good days. I do my best to live by this. Some bad moments are worse than others, but tomorrow is always a new day. My niece Payton would say, "You have a choice to wake up on the right side of the bed." She was maybe 4 when she said this. Smart girl.
Remember what you do every day affects other people's lives. Not just yours. You may be have a rough day, but someone always has it worse. I'm not the only widow who lost her husband while pregnant. Sadly enough, I know many similar stories and some even worse. So, I do my best to always make others happy first. Because then I will end up happy. What goes around comes around, right? Let's just hope so.
|A canvas picture of Patrick. Artist~Chad Cleveland (Former classmate of Patrick's)|