Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A rough time.

Needless to say, it's been a little rough lately in the Blessing house. 

First it was my sister's wedding.  Yes, it was beautiful and we had a great time...don't get me wrong.  It was a perfect day.  It's just that I was there alone.  No husband, boyfriend or date.  Everyone had someone.  I was alone.

Then it was Olivia's birthday.  No husband or father there to help me celebrate her special day.  I just went to work and came home after dinner.  It should have been a fun day for her.

Then it was/would have been my 3 year wedding anniversary.  That was a hard day.  I have now had more wedding anniversaries without him than I did with him.  Also that day, I was told I was needed to go back and do external recruiting.  As you know for the past 6 months, I've been doing all Internal Talent Management and loving it.  And yes, this was told to me on my wedding anniversary. That day got harder for me.  I didn't have Patrick to go home to and have him comfort me.

Then it was Olivia's big birthday bash.  It was a fun time had by all.  But Patrick wasn't there and I was really missing him. 

Then I let a friend go.  Someone I've know for many, many years.  Love dearly.  It isn't a good time for me to have this person and this way in my life.  Hopefully some day things will change.  I miss this person.  Lots.

Then it was Thanksgiving.  Patrick's favorite holiday.  He wasn't there for the 2nd year in a row.  I missed him even more.

Then my best friend's mom passed away.  She was a fun, loving and caring person. She was my 2nd mom.  She will be missed.

Everyone thinks that grieving only takes a little while.  Yes, things get "less hard" as time goes by, but the little moments get harder. 

It hasn't even been 18 months for me and it's still a struggle.  Every day.  There is an anniversary to something every month of the year. You don't seem to get a break from that.  That means there is always something you are anxious about having pass by with no break downs.  You try to do things that make you happy.  Surround yourself with positive people.  But when those happy things are crushed or taken away from you, it's five more steps backwards.  And yes, things seem worse to someone while they are grieving. 

No matter how good of a person you are, you pay your bills on time, you're a good mother, great employee, thoughtful and caring friend...you still get shit on.  I try to look at the positive in everything.  But when you have more bad happen to you than good, sometimes you have no choice but to break down.  I've thought about being a bad employee, bad friend and not a good person.  I wonder if it would change things for the better in my life.  That thought lasted only a few seconds and I changed it right back.  I just couldn't do it.  I don't know how people are able to be that way and be happy with themselves.  Maybe because they get out of things or get what they want all the time. They just don't realize that their actions that may benefit them,  may negatively affect others.  And lately I've been on that end.

Yes, I will say it.  I've had a lot of crappy things happen in my life.  Most of which I can't remember, but in the last few years, I remember most of them.  They definitely out weigh the good, which is really too bad.  I'm just hoping that God sees that I've paid my dues.  Done my time.  Suffered enough.  When will the good stuff start happening?  I have faith that it will.  Just really hoping that it does happen.  And soon.

I was told by my very first boss, James, that you don't have bad days.  You have bad moments in good days.  I do my best to live by this.  Some bad moments are worse than others, but tomorrow is always a new day.  My niece Payton would say, "You have a choice to wake up on the right side of the bed."  She was maybe 4 when she said this.  Smart girl. 

Remember what you do every day affects other people's lives.  Not just yours.  You may be have a rough day, but someone always has it worse.  I'm not the only widow who lost her husband while pregnant.  Sadly enough, I know many similar stories and some even worse.  So, I do my best to always make others happy first.  Because then I will end up happy.  What goes around comes around, right?  Let's just hope so.

A canvas picture of Patrick. Artist~Chad Cleveland (Former classmate of Patrick's)

Monday, November 14, 2011

Olivia is 1!

Saturday we celebrated Olivia's first birthday.  I also celebrated that I made it through the year.  It has not been easy, but we did it.

We had 65 people at the party.  25 of them kids 14 and under.  Yes, it was a mad house. Yes, I loved every minute of it.  It was a lot to get ready for that many people.  Mom made sloppy joes. I made the famous meatballs-225 to be exact.  All were eaten...Quickly.  We had salads, snacks and everything.  Mom and I made the cake and cupcakes.  Well, mostly Martha Stewart, I mean mom did.  We had games for the kids and alcohol for the parents.  Olivia did a great job all night.  While opening presents, she patiently sat there on my lap and watched.  Then it was cake time.  She wasn't sure right away...I helped her dig in.  Then she loved it.  Red velvet cake and purple frosting.  Just for daddy.  After cake, she was swept right into the tub.  Then she got to play with all of her toys.  She had so much fun.  The rest of the weekend was a blast.  We got to hang out and play the whole time.  I was very lucky to have all of these special people surrounding me on a very tough day.  Olivia deserved to have them all there, too.  Everyone has had a part in her life.  Everyone there also was a part of Patrick's life.  I really wish he could have been there.  He would've had a blast decorating the cake and getting the balloons.  I can picture him watching Olivia eating her cake and enjoying it so much.  I thought a lot about that and him that night. 

My princess


Banner with each month

She loved the cake!

Pin the nose on Olivia

The cake

Mommy and her birthday girl

Patiently opening gifts

My big girl!

Great pictures of Olivia

Olivia and her cake

Silly Uncle Shawn!

Tomorrow, November 15th marks our wedding anniversary.  It would have been 3 years.  I have now spent more wedding anniversaries without Patrick than with him.  I miss him.

I saw this on someone's post earlier (summed up).  Don't bitch that your husband's shoes are in the middle of the living room floor.  Be happy you still have one to fill those shoes.  I would give anything to pick up his shoes or put his dishes away that were sitting next to the dishwasher.  I would be happy to have him snoring next to me and keeping me up all night.  I'd be happy to have him traveling on a business trip, because he would be coming home.  I'd be happy to have him working long hours, because he would have a job and a wife and daughter to come home to.  I'd be happy to have him be upset that he was sick with a cold or the flu, because he could talk to me.  Please from now on, don't complain to a widow about what your husband is doing or not doing.  You still have one.  I don't and neither do a lot of my new friends.  Be Thankful.  You actually have something to complain about.  I don't.  I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.  Olivia will never have her dad.  I will never be able to celebrate anything beyond our one year anniversary.  I will never be able to grow old with Patrick.  So please...keep you complaining to yourself.

My favorite picture from the whole day.  It's how he looked at me.

He made me laugh every day.  Every day.

Our first dance. Given to Fly.