10 years
Patrick Blessing-8/12/1975-7/22/2010
Well, it's been about 6 years since I've written my last blog post. I was posting pretty consistent for about 3 1/2 years and then it stopped. Life got busy. I decided that a milestone like this deserved a post. So here I go.
I cannot believe that it's actually been 10 years. It has gone fast, that's for sure. But it also seems like it was just yesterday. I relive that moment I was delivered the news that changed my life forever. A lot has also changed in 10 years. 10 years ago, I thought I'd be in a much different spot and better off than I currently am now. 10 years ago I was 6 months pregnant, living in Wauwatosa, working at Kohl's Corp., married and my husband was laid off and in the hospital for 3 weeks waiting for a heart transplant. Today I am single, look like I'm 6 months pregnant (LOL), have a 9 1/2 year old, I work for a College and we're living through a pandemic. I instead pictured myself married, having several kids (3 at least), career as a Nurse and living in warmer climates. Well, none of that is true unfortunately. I'm just not where I wanted to be or thought I'd be and I've disappointed myself and I'm sure others. It is what it is and I am working at moving on. Just takes a while to accept the fact that your life is off course.
10 years brings a lot of feeling.
Exhausted-I'm still doing everything on my own. I run the household. So that means I am doing laundry, groceries, errands, cleaning (with amazing help every other week), disciplining (no good cop/bad cop situation available), homeschooling (yuk), tournaments, games, carpooling, practice, lawn (which I love! I'm like the typical midwestern dad, except I don't wear New Balance shoes or cargo shorts.), fixing things, snowblowing, etc. If I had a partner in life that was there to share even a small portion of life, I am not really sure what I'd do with all of my extra free time. I mean, lets be real. All you non-single folks out there who has their partner leave for vacation or work for a few days or a week know what I'm talking about. I hear it a lot. It's a lot of work that you have to do and pick up the pieces when they're gone. Except it's for a short time. Not forever.
Sad-I'm sad that I haven't been able to provide Olivia with the experience of having a dad. I'm sad that I haven't found someone that wants to share our lives. I'm sad that Patrick is missing out on this life we've created. I'm sad that we all miss him so.
Lonely-I'm lonely at times because I don't get to share my life with someone who loves me. I'm always the single friend that shows up to cookouts, outings, charity events, dinners, going out, etc. I end up being the 3rd/5th wheel quite often. I know it doesn't bother the people that I'm spending time with, but I think about it EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Halted-My career. 12 years ago I was looking into and applying to Nursing schools. I was going to switch careers from HR to Healthcare. Well shortly after we were married, Patrick lost his job and then a year later I was pregnant and he died. So I've put my career change and career in general on hold. I am not seeking/taking positions of moving up in the ranks, just so I can keep my flexibility and have my time for Olivia and not work. I still dream of being a Nurse. Or CSI. Or work in a prison. You all know how much I love true crime, the medical field, mobs and prisons. I wish there was a job that you could combine all of them. Just sayin'.
Acceptance-This is just how my life turned out. I was dealt this hand. Not a good hand either. I'm very happy with how things are now. We have our own routine and it works. I just feel like we're missing someone to be a part of that.
Angry-I'm angry it happened. I'm angry it happened to me, Patrick, his family and friends. It's not fair that it happens to the good people who don't deserve it.
Fear of loss-Since I've experienced a great loss in life already, I've have a bigger fear of losing someone again. Any time someone I know is sick or in the hospital, I relive that experience all over again. Lots of anxious feelings.
Widow brain-I can't remember shit. I have to write down the simple things that I need from the store, can't remember what I was going to do, peoples' names, etc. I NEVER had this problem before. I could remember everything. Even everyone's phone numbers.
Independent-I've always been very independent. The last 10 years it's like it's on steroids. As a new widow, you get a lot of help up front. It fades and then is typically only when you ask. And then when you do need to ask for help, you feel like a burden. I know it's not, but I still feel that way.
Picky-Surprise! Basically everyone knows this. Especially when it comes to dating and guys. I'm very picky. I know what I want. I know what I had and I know what doesn't work. I'm not looking for another Patrick and I'm not looking for someone to replace him or live up to him. It's not what I want and clearly not realistic. I've been asked out by many over the past 10 yrs. Most were not my type and wasn't interested in them. Some were very persistent and still are. Some I wasn't ready to date. Some I dated, but not public with it. Most people never knew. I need to think about Olivia. I'm not going to date, just to date and pay a babysitter. I'll date someone I'm interested in and invest the time and effort. Ideally, I'd like to date someone who I might already know or they are friends with my friends. I'm not into meeting someone online or go on a blind date. If you want to hear about the horrible, sometimes funny, experiences with that, let's go out for wine.
Baggage-I have lots of it. And it's not for a trip around the world. Gotta be ok with it. :)
Happy-I'm pretty happy for the position I've been put in. I'm part of a club that I didn't want to be a member of. I love being a mom and raising Olivia. I love watching her succeed and have fun. I love watching her on stage, on the field or on the court. I love our neighborhood and the friends I've made. I love the new friends that have come into my life and the ones that have been around for 30 years. I'm lucky to have those people in my life. I'm lucky to have a job, a house, ability to travel and make memories, family nearby, friends and Olivia. I'm making the best out of the hand I was dealt.
Well, there you have it. Open. Honest. Real. I know it's a bit on the Debbie downer side, but it's the feelings that I have based on my experience. Being a widow with a kid is hard. Very hard. It's also very rewarding. I love watching Olivia grow up and love the things her dad loved. Star Wars, sports, friends, family, eating. Yup, you read that right. Eating. She's funny like him. I imagine all the time what they would have been like together and it makes me smile. I think about all of the new friends that have entered my life after Patrick and I imagine the same thing with them. They would have loved each other.
Patrick, you are so missed by many. More than you will ever know. I still think of you several times a day and every day. The world lost a great man 10 years ago.
I'll leave you with a quote from the coolest man alive.
"I know I was born and I know that I'll die...the in-between is mine." - Eddie Vedder
I am making the best of this life that I can. Thank you to all who have been a part of it these past 10 years. I couldn't have done it without you. You know who you are. 💜💜💜
Recent phots of Olivia.
After her first softball practice
Camping
Dance practice
First year of basketball
Florida
Olivia and Uncle Shawn
Olivia and Rey at Hollywood Studios-Star Wars.
Well, it's been about 6 years since I've written my last blog post. I was posting pretty consistent for about 3 1/2 years and then it stopped. Life got busy. I decided that a milestone like this deserved a post. So here I go.
I cannot believe that it's actually been 10 years. It has gone fast, that's for sure. But it also seems like it was just yesterday. I relive that moment I was delivered the news that changed my life forever. A lot has also changed in 10 years. 10 years ago, I thought I'd be in a much different spot and better off than I currently am now. 10 years ago I was 6 months pregnant, living in Wauwatosa, working at Kohl's Corp., married and my husband was laid off and in the hospital for 3 weeks waiting for a heart transplant. Today I am single, look like I'm 6 months pregnant (LOL), have a 9 1/2 year old, I work for a College and we're living through a pandemic. I instead pictured myself married, having several kids (3 at least), career as a Nurse and living in warmer climates. Well, none of that is true unfortunately. I'm just not where I wanted to be or thought I'd be and I've disappointed myself and I'm sure others. It is what it is and I am working at moving on. Just takes a while to accept the fact that your life is off course.
10 years brings a lot of feeling.
Exhausted-I'm still doing everything on my own. I run the household. So that means I am doing laundry, groceries, errands, cleaning (with amazing help every other week), disciplining (no good cop/bad cop situation available), homeschooling (yuk), tournaments, games, carpooling, practice, lawn (which I love! I'm like the typical midwestern dad, except I don't wear New Balance shoes or cargo shorts.), fixing things, snowblowing, etc. If I had a partner in life that was there to share even a small portion of life, I am not really sure what I'd do with all of my extra free time. I mean, lets be real. All you non-single folks out there who has their partner leave for vacation or work for a few days or a week know what I'm talking about. I hear it a lot. It's a lot of work that you have to do and pick up the pieces when they're gone. Except it's for a short time. Not forever.
Sad-I'm sad that I haven't been able to provide Olivia with the experience of having a dad. I'm sad that I haven't found someone that wants to share our lives. I'm sad that Patrick is missing out on this life we've created. I'm sad that we all miss him so.
Lonely-I'm lonely at times because I don't get to share my life with someone who loves me. I'm always the single friend that shows up to cookouts, outings, charity events, dinners, going out, etc. I end up being the 3rd/5th wheel quite often. I know it doesn't bother the people that I'm spending time with, but I think about it EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Halted-My career. 12 years ago I was looking into and applying to Nursing schools. I was going to switch careers from HR to Healthcare. Well shortly after we were married, Patrick lost his job and then a year later I was pregnant and he died. So I've put my career change and career in general on hold. I am not seeking/taking positions of moving up in the ranks, just so I can keep my flexibility and have my time for Olivia and not work. I still dream of being a Nurse. Or CSI. Or work in a prison. You all know how much I love true crime, the medical field, mobs and prisons. I wish there was a job that you could combine all of them. Just sayin'.
Acceptance-This is just how my life turned out. I was dealt this hand. Not a good hand either. I'm very happy with how things are now. We have our own routine and it works. I just feel like we're missing someone to be a part of that.
Angry-I'm angry it happened. I'm angry it happened to me, Patrick, his family and friends. It's not fair that it happens to the good people who don't deserve it.
Fear of loss-Since I've experienced a great loss in life already, I've have a bigger fear of losing someone again. Any time someone I know is sick or in the hospital, I relive that experience all over again. Lots of anxious feelings.
Widow brain-I can't remember shit. I have to write down the simple things that I need from the store, can't remember what I was going to do, peoples' names, etc. I NEVER had this problem before. I could remember everything. Even everyone's phone numbers.
Independent-I've always been very independent. The last 10 years it's like it's on steroids. As a new widow, you get a lot of help up front. It fades and then is typically only when you ask. And then when you do need to ask for help, you feel like a burden. I know it's not, but I still feel that way.
Picky-Surprise! Basically everyone knows this. Especially when it comes to dating and guys. I'm very picky. I know what I want. I know what I had and I know what doesn't work. I'm not looking for another Patrick and I'm not looking for someone to replace him or live up to him. It's not what I want and clearly not realistic. I've been asked out by many over the past 10 yrs. Most were not my type and wasn't interested in them. Some were very persistent and still are. Some I wasn't ready to date. Some I dated, but not public with it. Most people never knew. I need to think about Olivia. I'm not going to date, just to date and pay a babysitter. I'll date someone I'm interested in and invest the time and effort. Ideally, I'd like to date someone who I might already know or they are friends with my friends. I'm not into meeting someone online or go on a blind date. If you want to hear about the horrible, sometimes funny, experiences with that, let's go out for wine.
Baggage-I have lots of it. And it's not for a trip around the world. Gotta be ok with it. :)
Happy-I'm pretty happy for the position I've been put in. I'm part of a club that I didn't want to be a member of. I love being a mom and raising Olivia. I love watching her succeed and have fun. I love watching her on stage, on the field or on the court. I love our neighborhood and the friends I've made. I love the new friends that have come into my life and the ones that have been around for 30 years. I'm lucky to have those people in my life. I'm lucky to have a job, a house, ability to travel and make memories, family nearby, friends and Olivia. I'm making the best out of the hand I was dealt.
Well, there you have it. Open. Honest. Real. I know it's a bit on the Debbie downer side, but it's the feelings that I have based on my experience. Being a widow with a kid is hard. Very hard. It's also very rewarding. I love watching Olivia grow up and love the things her dad loved. Star Wars, sports, friends, family, eating. Yup, you read that right. Eating. She's funny like him. I imagine all the time what they would have been like together and it makes me smile. I think about all of the new friends that have entered my life after Patrick and I imagine the same thing with them. They would have loved each other.
Patrick, you are so missed by many. More than you will ever know. I still think of you several times a day and every day. The world lost a great man 10 years ago.
I'll leave you with a quote from the coolest man alive.
"I know I was born and I know that I'll die...the in-between is mine." - Eddie Vedder
I am making the best of this life that I can. Thank you to all who have been a part of it these past 10 years. I couldn't have done it without you. You know who you are. 💜💜💜
Recent phots of Olivia.
Go Bears!
After her first softball practice
Camping
Dance practice
First year of basketball
Florida
Olivia and Uncle Shawn
Olivia and Rey at Hollywood Studios-Star Wars.
Love you.
ReplyDeleteThat was beautifully written. Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing during this time. We love you both and hope to spend some time together soon
ReplyDeleteI know it’s not the same as having him with you physically to see these milestones, but I absolutely believe Patrick is so proud of you both.
ReplyDelete